Christmas price tag feels like snub
DEAR AMY: My 17-year-old daughter and I are trying to recover from a Christmas snub.
In our family, we draw names and have a $50 budget.
My daughter’s cousin drew her name and had purchased the item my daughter wanted, but he bought a smaller size than she wears and the gift cost about $30.
She is upset that he didn’t spend the designated amount.
This also happened with her aunt and grandmother, who both went under budget with their gifts to her, but over budget with their gifts to other nieces.
We don’t want to seem ungrateful and would like your thoughts on what to do about this, if anything.
Upset Mom DEAR MOM:
Your daughter responded to a gift by (first) checking the price and (then) complaining about what the gift cost. Surely this flies in the face of what holiday giving is supposed to be about. You should be upset. With her.
You need to explain the concept of a “budget.” It is not an exact commandment for what must be spent, but a recommended cost-range with an upper limit.
You don’t mention your daughter’s efforts to give good and appropriate gifts. If she participated fully, but doesn’t feel valued by others in return, then her feelings are justified, but she is too old to be pitching a fit over Christmas gifts.
This is an ideal teachable moment for you to review the true meaning of this giving holiday. She should exchange her gift for one that fits, and thank her cousin for his efforts.
DEAR AMY:
I’m a 42-year-old woman. My husband and I travel to visit my parents twice a year. Over the past few years, some of my father’s habits have become increasingly vexing.
His conversational style is best described as broadcasting whatever pops into his head. Gentle attempts to get the conversation back on track are futile.
He also has an incredible need to be right about the most mundane things, and will press his point. He does this the most with my mother, and I’ve observed him actually raise his voice at her, which is disturbing.
My mother says she doesn’t notice. She reminds me that my father is the nicest, kindest, etc., person she has ever met.
Going home is incredibly draining. While flying back from our most recent visit, my husband asked, “Why do I feel like we’ve been through something traumatic?” We both agree that it’s impossible to stop visiting. However, I don’t know how to handle all of this in the future.
Anonymous on the West Coast DEAR ANONYMOUS:
Given the fact that your parents are aging and that the dynamic between them is worrying you, you should try to visit them more often than twice a year. You should also make an effort to visit them at least once without your husband.
This might be draining and challenging, but your parents were (presumably) deeply involved in your life for at least 20 years or so, and now it is time to dig in and pay more attention to them.