Kids need equal time with divorced parents
Q My wife and I are getting divorced, and while things are generally amicable, we’re having some major disagreements about whether it’s OK for our two young children, ages 3 and 1, to sleep over at my house. We both want what’s best for our kids, but my wife says that, because the kids are so young, they shouldn’t be separated from their mother, and that doing so would interfere with the mother-child relationship. I say that not letting them spend as much time with me as with her would interfere with the father-child relationship — which would be just as bad, and could end up causing more problems than it solves. Who’s right? A Assuming that there’s no history of violence or abuse in your family involving you (and if there were, you probably wouldn’t be writing for advice), you are right.
Over the past few decades, dozens of researchers have tried to answer the same general question facing you and your wife: What type of parenting plan is best for children whose parents have separated? The consensus is very clear: “Overall, the children in shared parenting families had better outcomes on measures of emotional, behavioral and psychological wellbeing, as well as better physical health and better relationships with their fathers and their mothers — benefits that remained, even when there were high levels of conflict between their parents,” according to Linda Nielsen, a researcher at Wake Forest University in North Carolina.
Many researchers also have tried to answer the specific question you and your wife are struggling with: Is it OK for very young children to spend overnights at their father’s house? And again, the consensus is clear: “There is no evidence to support postponing the introduction of regular and frequent involvement, including overnights, of both parents with their babies and toddlers,” writes Richard Warshak, a researcher at the University of Texas Southwestern Medical Center. Warshak’s recent article, “Social Science and Parenting Plans for Young Children: A Consensus Report” (published in the journal Psychology, Public Policy, and Law) was endorsed by more than 100 researchers and practitioners.
Generally, new mothers and fathers have almost identical nurturing instincts and respond to and care for their infants in the same ways. Fathers play a very important role in their children’s development — one that starts even before the child’s birth and that is no less important than the mother’s.
So, as you say, father-child relationships are just as important as mother-child relationships. And the best way to support those relationships is to make sure a child spends as closeto-equal time with each parent as possible. As Warshak puts it, “Such arrangements allow each parent to learn about the child’s individual needs and to hone parenting skills most appropriate for each developmental period.”
So how much time should each of you spend with your children? 50/50 is, of course, ideal. But depending on work schedules and other things going on in your lives, that may not be possible. The key is for the two of you to work together to come up with a flexible plan that gives your children plenty of time with each of you. Since you’ve said “We both want what’s best for our kids,” I have no doubt that you’ll succeed.