Guilt haunts young woman
DEAR AMY: I am a 20-year-old woman who has been in a twoyear relationship with a guy who has been my good friend for seven years.
Last summer, we were apart for three months when I moved across the country for an internship. Things were rough, I was very lonely and I had a drunken onenight stand. I didn’t care about the person, I was just lonely. I feel so guilty. I never told my boyfriend about my infidelity. If I didn’t tell him, he would most likely never find out.
I hate that I did something that would hurt him intensely. I was a friend through his years in foster care and the incarceration of both of his parents.
I have been the shoulder to cry on and his support system.
I betrayed the most important person in my life and failed him miserably. I have seen people cause him pain and I don’t want to be the cause of more.
I want to be with this man for the rest of my life, but I also accept that it would be entirely my fault if I told him and he left. I feel a lot of guilt and shame, but the thought of his face after I tell him makes me feel like my heart is being ripped out of my chest.
What do you think I should do?
Torn
DEAR TORN: You are 20 years old. First of all, if (illegal) drinking leads to such regrettable behavior, then you shouldn’t do it.
Ask yourself: If your boyfriend did the exact same thing that you did during your separation (a one-night stand), would you want to know about it? Does this episode speak to some sort of deep-seated problem or need that you have, or was it a stupid mistake made by a young person that will never be repeated?
If it is the former, you should realize that you are not quite ready to be in a long-term, exclusive and committed relationship. If it was the latter, then you should keep this to yourself and carry your own guilt privately rather than relieve it by unloading onto your boyfriend. Carrying this burden and choosing to wise-up and behave differently is the consequence of this episode.
If your guilt continues to interfere with your relationship, then you tell your boyfriend. Don’t expect him to applaud your unburdening or forgive you right away.
One risk of having an outside sexual experience (even a one-night stand), is contracting an STD. You should visit your doctor or nearest Planned Parenthood clinic to be tested.
DEAR AMY: “Upset” was overly concerned about going with his wife to meet with a group of high school friends, including one she’d had a very brief relationship with.
His wife told him to “get over it.” She should have at least validated his feelings.
Gentle validation (“I’m sorry you’re upset, but this is nothing for you to worry about”) would work better.
A Reader DEAR READER: I agree. Thank you.