Owning your APOLOGY
There is a right way and a wrong way to say you are sorry
It may be a sign of our times, but the term “non-apology apology” has entered the lexicon.
You know one when you hear it, usually from a politician or celebrity trying to weasel out of taking responsibility for saying or doing something offensive. Instead of stating “I’m sorry” in a genuine way, they more commonly utter some variation of “I’m sorry but” or “I’m sorry if you were offended.”
Donald Trump, for example, went into non-apology mode after he was caught in the notorious Access Hollywood recording. In a videotaped statement, the then-GOP presidential candidate started off promisingly enough: “I said it, I was wrong and I apologize.”
But he undercut his apology by immediately going on the offense and excoriating his Democratic rival Hillary Clinton and her former president husband.
Candidate Clinton also had trouble offering sincere regrets for some of her statements, such as when she wouldn’t just say sorry for calling half of Trump supporters “deplorable.” Instead she simply expressed regret for being “grossly generalistic” in how she described the American electorate she chose to insult.
Of course, politicians aren’t the only people who have trouble saying sorry, says psychologist and best-selling author Harriet Lerner. To varying degrees, many of us struggle with both the act and concept of offering a sincere apology. Some people seem allergic to expressing remorse for their actions, while others, typically women, are chronic overapologizers, sometimes irritating people around them for saying sorry for all kinds of things that aren’t their fault.
In her new book, “Why Won’t You Apologize?” Lerner draws on four decades of practice to help us do a better job of healing the hurt we’ve inflicted or received. Lerner, best known for the best-selling “The Dance of Anger,” argues that honest, genuine apologies are at the heart of maintaining effective relationships with spouses, kids, friends and coworkers.
“We’re all connected, we all
“The need to give and receive apologies is with us until our very last breath. When done right, the good apology is deeply healing. When done wrong, it can compromise a relationship or even end it.” — Harriet Lerner, author
screw up, and we all unwittingly hurt others, just as we are hurt by them,” said Lerner. “The need to give and receive apologies is with us until our very last breath. When done right, the good apology is deeply healing. When done wrong, it can compromise a relationship or even end it.”
In an interview, she summarizes key points she makes in her book on how to say sorry and mean it.
How to ruin an apology
Lerner assumes that most people mean well, but some don’t know how to apologize correctly. In addition to the aforementioned “I’m sorry you were offended,” they might also slip in a “but” as in “I’m sorry, but.”
In these cases, the wrongdoer isn’t keeping the focus on where it needs to be: on her own actions and the harm they cause. Instead, she’s offering excuses, minimizing the damage or blaming the hurt person for being too sensitive, not tough enough or lacking a sense of humor.
That’s the case, Lerner says, with a guy telling someone: “I’m sorry that you were upset by the joke I made at the dinner. My intention wasn’t to insult anyone.” He should instead say something that shows he understands what he did wrong and won’t repeat it: “The joke I made was insensitive and inappropriate. I get it, and I won’t do it again.”
Another bad apology happens when the offender expects her apology to be an “automatic ticket” to forgiveness and redemption, pushing the wronged person to get over his hurt feelings before he’s ready.
Finally, there is the “intrusive apology.” Lerner recalled a client, Celina, who understandably cut off contact with her friend Liza after finding out Liza slept with her husband. Several years later, Liza, working her Alcoholics Anonymous 2 steps program, got ahold of Celina’s phone number and left her a voicemail. When Liza didn’t hear back from Celina, she left another voice mail, then wrote a letter. Lerner says someone in Liza’s situation needs to find her own way to forgive herself without retraumatizing her former friend.
Yes, women overapologize ...
At a recent lunch, a friend of Lerner’s kept saying sorry — sorry for how she bumped into another friend while walking to their table, sorry for being too quick to take a seat near the window and sorry she accidentally grabbed someone else’s menu. Lerner didn’t think her friend was being polite, just annoying, especially because everyone else felt the need to reassure her they took no offense.
Overapologizing is a particularly female behavior, Lerner notes. But in any gender, it can be driven by low self-esteem, an excessive wish to please or fear of disapproval. Whatever the cause, Lerner says people should tone it down.
While men don’t apologize enough ...
Research suggests that more men than women bristle at apologizing, and that’s because males are still brought up to see that as a sign of weakness, Lerner said. “It’s giving the person the superior edge,” Lerner quotes a man telling her. “And once you let down your guard, the other person can take advantage you.
It takes two
Often, people don’t get the apology they think they deserve because they contributed to — unwittingly or not — the problem. People won’t apologize if they are feeling pushed to assume more than their fair share of the blame, Lerner said.
In addition to owning your part in any conflict, you should stick to the facts in telling someone how he’s wronged you. Even a slight exaggeration of what went down will kick up the other person’s defensiveness, Lerner said.
Just a start
When it comes to a serious hurt or betrayal — a spouse cheats on their partner, for example — “a true apology is a long-distance run,” she said. “It begins with ‘I’m sorry,’ but doesn’t end there.”
The offender will need to sit in “the hot seat” for a long time and put aside his defensiveness and periodically listen to things he probably doesn’t want to hear. Just the words “I’m sorry” won’t help the other person feel safe in the relationship again, Lerner said.
“More than anything, the hurt party wants to know that we really ‘get it,’ that our empathy and remorse are deeply felt, that we will carry some of the pain we’ve caused and that there will be no repeat performance,” she said.
Forgiving
Lerner said people are often unclear about the purpose of forgiveness in personal healing or in reconciling disputes. And there are some situations, as with the aforementioned Celina, when it’s not necessary or even advisable to forgive.
“One myth is that forgiveness is the only path to a life that’s not mired in bitterness and hate, and that those who do not forgive the offender are at higher risk for both mental and physical problems,” she said. “This is not true. There are many roads to healing, ‘letting go’ and finding some inner peace.”
Teach kids to apologize
If the ability to apologize is at the heart of good relationships, then it’s a skill that parents should pass on to their kids, preferably by role modeling.
Some parents fear that saying sorry to to their kids will undercut their authority or make them look weak and uncertain. On the contrary, Lerner said: Apologizing to your children shows that you are strong and that you value fairness.
“Children have an innate sense of justice and suffer when a parent’s defensivness invalidates what the child knows to be true,” she said. “Indeed the ability to apologize is one of the greatest gifts we can give to our kids.”