My adult kids never call or visit
DEAR AMY:
I have three grown children, all employed and in good relationships. We have a good relationship, and have fun together.
My husband travels for work, and is gone frequently. They know I am here alone and are happy to let me come to them and treat them to a meal, but they never reciprocate.
I was always involved in all my children’s activities. I worked part time but was pretty much a stay-athome mom. I don’t want to whine to my kids about not spending enough time with me. I want it to be their choice. How do I reverse what I am starting to feel is a one-sided relationship, where I am a very low priority?
Disappointed Mom
DEAR DISAPPOINTED: Telling your children you want to see them more often doesn’t make you whiny, it makes you a person not yet capable of telepathy.
Your kids don’t automatically know exactly what you want and need. They may have no idea of the real impact of your husband’s frequent travel, because you’ve always managed so well.
Basically, they don’t know what it’s like to be you. So ask for what you want. Remind your children when your husband is going to be out of town. Stop enabling them, and ask for — and expect more — from them.
DEAR AMY: I have difficulty connecting with people and forming meaningful relationships.
However, for the past few years, I’ve been part of a group full of wonderful people. When I’m with them, I feel truly happy, like they’ve fully accepted me.
A few months ago, my boss’s daughter asked if she could start coming with me. I couldn’t see the harm in that. She had trouble making friends, just like me.
Unfortunately, this woman has no social skills whatsoever. If two people are talking, she’ll invite herself over and start blabbering about something completely random. It happens all the time.
I can’t even talk to anyone anymore because of her. But if I tell her to stop coming, or even say anything to her about it, I know I’ll hear about it from my boss, who I want to keep a good relationship with. Any ideas?
Not a Social Butterfly
DEAR SOCIAL: Have you tried to get this woman to ease up by offering a polite correction? The next time she starts in, consider saying, “Excuse me, can you wait a minute because Jane here was in the middle of something, and I really want to hear what she has to say.”
Privately, you can say to her, “I get frustrated because you interrupt a lot. I don’t think you realize you’re doing it. I know how hard it can be to connect in a group, but you really need to listen more. I can help you with that, but first you need to be aware of it.”
Be firm and polite, and offer this correction before she drives you away from the group. Your boss undoubtedly knows this about his daughter; you should not be punished for your honesty.