New couple must choose — keep your stuff or mine?
When couples start getting cozy, the question soon becomes, “Your place or mine?” As they get cozier, the question then becomes, “Your stuff or mine?” As any established adult who has merged with another has found, hearts merge easier than households.
Just ask Sara Nation, of Castle Rock, Colorado. Two weeks ago, the 59-year-old program manager for a large health system and her committed partner, Austin Tilghman, a 65-year-old bank consultant, who are both divorced, moved into a house they are renting until they either buy or build their own house next year.
When the couple met at a charity event five years ago, she had a 3,800-square-foot home, where she’d lived for 15 years and raised her three children. His home was more than twice that size, and had been home to his ex-wife and their two. That’s a lot of sofas and chairs.
Now they are shoehorning their edited belongings into a 4,500-squarefoot home.
“I thought we had gotten rid of a lot and downsized enough, but we’re not even close,” she told me over the phone. “I’m still struggling with where to put stuff.”
And now his Tuscanstyle furnishings clash with her contemporary pieces. “The whole place is a mishmash of furniture and art that doesn’t go,” says Nation.
In short, Nation is in a state.
Professional organizer Ben Soreff, of Norwalk, Connecticut, says, “Families in flux too often make the mistake of labeling a living situation as temporary. You assume the child will get a job, or the parent will move to assisted living, or your new house will be built soon. Then a year goes by.”
Rather than put up with disarray, he advises, “Lean into the situation, and forget the temporariness. If you don’t, no one feels settled.”
Nation says, “We’re happy to leave the past behind, and are very excited about the next chapter. We just don’t know what to keep.”
“What do you want for sure?” I ask.
“We have one piece of art that we both love, that we bought together. That’s it,” she says.
“Sounds like an excellent to start to me,” I tell her.
Soreff offers these suggestions for tackling a merger:
CREATE THE VISION >> Talk about how you want your house to look and feel. One aim could be having just enough, but not too much furniture, so rooms function and flow. You might also strive for clean, clear surfaces, says Soreff.
SEPARATE OUT THE SENTIMENTAL >> “Gather your keepsakes, but remember not everything is important,” he says. “You can save keepsakes, but not out in the open. Those items live more remotely.”
DON’T KEEP SCORE >> Once you’ve separated keepsakes, and have only neutral items left, act as if your combined belongings are all in a store, and you’re shopping. Then the question isn’t whose is it? — but rather, which will work in our new home as we picture it?
FOCUS ON THE FINISH, NOT THE FEELINGS >> Keep your
eye on the unified style you’ve settled on, so discussions don’t feel personal.
WORK BY CATEGORY >> Don’t sort piecemeal. Gather and spread out all the kitchen gear or all sheets and towels. Look for multiples. Select the best. Donate the rest. When choosing among appliances, pick the newest or best models, and say goodbye to the others. Be sure what you keep has a place to live.
Do not throw another person’s things away when he or she isn’t around. Enough said.
SELL TWO, BUY ONE >> If neither of your sofas or dining tables works well, sell them online, and use the proceeds to buy one you both like. DON’T SAY, ‘JUST FOR NOW’ >> Everything is temporary. Make now nice. Contact Marni Jameson via www.marni-jameson. com.