It’s beyond not being in your league

DEAR AMY >> I am a 31-year-old single, educated woman. I ended a sixyear relationship that became emotionally controlling and physically abusive. My ex and I have agreed to try to co-parent our 3-year-old son.

My parents, who were pushed away due to the control issues, jumped in and rescued me and my son. They are co-investors on my new house and wholeheartedly participate in my son’s life.

I have a new guy who surfaced at the time of my separation. He was going through a similar break-up. The new love has blossomed to a point where he is moving in.

He is in is 50s, has three adult kids, two grandkids, and works as a laborer.

My parents are livid. They feel that I am making a bad choice. Financially I make much more than he does. It is not an issue with me, because he will pay rent.

My parents have met him and feel he is no match for their daughter. They are taking a strong stance against the new guy, perhaps selling my co-investment home and limiting future finances. They see him as a freeloader and want me to find someone in my league.

I am in counseling and get support for “living my own life.” I would like your opinion, if you think I am making a mistake with the new guy for the disruption it may cause. — Torn

DEAR TORN >> I align with your parents, but perhaps for different reasons.

I don’t know (or care, really) if this man is in your league.

What in this arrangement is good for your son? In his very short life, he has experienced emotional and physical abuse between his parents, and in short order his mother has invited a new man into the home.

No. Just no. There are many reasons for caution, but the reason that should matter the most to all of you was revealed in an eight-year study published in 2005 by the American Academy of Pediatrics, which concluded: “Young children who reside in households with unrelated adults are at exceptionally high risk for inflicted-injury death. Most perpetrators are male, and most are residents of the decedent child’s household at the time of injury.” The study also noted that children residing with a single parent (and no unrelated adults in the household) are at no increased risk.

I’m not saying that this man is dangerous to you or your children. I am saying that you are not being prudent.

Engage in this relationship if you want to, but you are both rebounding, and this man should not be moving into your home until your life is more stable and you know him much better. He could be the greatest guy in the world, and if he is, he will respect your needs as a protective parent, and date you without moving in.