How to handle big personalities at work

Manage and improve relationships with difficult co-workers with these tips

American poet Max Ehrmann imparted the following wisdom on the world in 1927:

“Avoid loud and aggressive persons, they are vexations to the spirit.”

For those of you that work alongside someone who could be described as “loud,” “aggressive” or a “vexation to the spirit,” you might take Ehrmann’s poetry as a sign that it’s time to quit your gig and find employment elsewhere. Unfortunately, Ehrmann’s advice proves thoroughly impractical if you aren’t willing to give up a job just to lose touch with that one co-worker we’ll call “the big personality” in the office.

But I think I can help you.

To start, try to put yourself in their shoes

It’s easy to fall prey to the idea that you can show up to work and try to tune out that person that most annoys you from 9 to 5. That isn’t healthy or productive. Hard as it may be, making the effort to genuinely recognize this person’s humanity will endear you to them.

And that’s a good thing. Please don’t take that as an endorsement of being phony or going over the top to appease that person. Rather, consider it a call to empathize.

Beyond placing you in the good graces of the loudmouth, the gossip, the bully of the office, more importantly, it will humanize him or her to you.

You’ll come to recognize this person not merely as the weekday thorn in your side but as a person not unlike yourself in many regards – a person with rent, family, fears and aspirations of their own.

Pinpoint the traits and behaviors that make you both incompatible

It’s extremely easy to develop an opinion of a person and then allow said opinion to color every subsequent interaction you share with them. If you make a genuine go at empathizing and learning about this person (rather than unsuccessfully ignoring them all day) you’ll by default come to learn and better understand what it is about that person that irks you.

What good does that provide? Well for starters, you won’t be forced to bottle up your frustrations until they inevitably blow up during an office holiday party.

Good comes from productive dialogue

You can initiate a constructive conversation with the person and relay your feelings in an honest, inoffensive manner.

Not that this is easy. This takes insane courage and don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.

But it’s much healthier to discuss these things candidly rather than concealing contempt. It will make you feel better and it will give the other person an opportunity to take your thoughts into account, something they can’t do if you silently stew about it.

You’ll likely learn that this person doesn’t want to be disliked either. They may not even know what they’re doing gets under your skin in the first place. Let them know — POLITELY — that it does.

Heck, if you do this, you might even learn that from their perspective, you’re the “big personality” in the office. Then you can both work together to create a more amiable workplace.