Those nosy people

DEAR MISS MANNERS >> I will be having surgery soon to alleviate the embarrassing problem of bowel incontinence. I found a great doctor and have family support, but need to know what to say to nosy acquaintances who inquire about the reason for my hospital stay. ”None of your darn business” or “You don’t want to know” are my favorite responses, but neither seems appropriate. Suggestions?

GENTLE READER >> “It’s just a standard procedure, but you are so kind to ask.” Repeat as necessary, resisting the urge to elaborate. DEAR MISS MANNERS >> While I am certain that Miss Manners has never experienced this herself, what would you suggest for someone who unintentionally says something to a friend that obviously upsets or hurts them deeply?

I know a quick apology is necessary, but what if that is not enough? If the hurt goes beyond a simple apology, how does one attempt to make it right? I fear that I may have permanently hurt a friend that I care for deeply, and I am not sure what to do now.

GENTLE READER >> Write a letter. Make it heartfelt and offer no excuses. Tell your friend how much the friendship matters to you. And mean it.

The novelty of writing something by hand and mailing it will give the matter the formality and gravity it deserves. And while you are correct in thinking that Miss Manners has rarely needed to write such a letter herself, the same reasoning has offered her a far better rate of response than email for her social invitations. That and her imposing presence.