Wants adult son to step up at home

DEAR AMY >> My 30-year-old son returned to live at home from several states away.

He has a college degree, is handsome, charming, and quick-witted.

His former position with a wellknown insurance company ended when the contract ran out.

Initially I thought he would be living at home for two or three weeks, but we have now hit 12 weeks.

I am getting frustrated, as he seems to have become very comfortable with not really doing much to help around the house, and not helping with utilities.

He is going to interviews often, but hasn’t been offered a position yet.

We have always been very close, but this has put a wedge between us.

I am also raising my 12-year-old grandson, and have my elderly parents here. My plate is full.

I don’t want another person to take care of, and I know he doesn’t want me to feel that way, but ... I do.

Can you offer advice on how to approach the subject of helping to pay the utilities and helping at home, without an attitude?

— Concerned Mother

DEAR CONCERNED >> Your son is a functioning adult. Obviously, you have every right to expect him to step up at home. But your inability to ask him to step up is your own problem — not his.

There is no “attitude” involved in communicating your needs clearly. You speak to him adult-to-adult, and expect him to understand and do what he can to comply.

It is not unusual in the current job climate to spend several months interviewing at various companies for a professional position. You should assume that this is a potentially lengthy process.

Have a meeting with your son. Say, “Here’s what I need from you in order for this to work, longer term.” Surely there are ways he can help with your grandson and your parents. Assign regular and reasonable tasks that will help to relieve your burden.

If he is receiving unemployment insurance or has savings, he should pay toward living expenses while he is with you. If he doesn’t have income or savings, he should also look for a part-time job in order to help with the bills while he is living with you.

DEAR AMY >> Hooray for your practical and wise answer to “A Lot to Handle,” the parents who were basically enabling their adult son’s drug addiction.

It is so hard to detach from another’s addiction, while still remaining concerned and involved.

— Family with Addiction

DEAR FAMILY >> Concerned family members need to make a choice to lovingly detach, and to only support recovery.