Play: What frightful haunts lie in store at California theme parks?
Upon approach, all seems deceptively calm. Eerily restful. Dare I say … normal.
Yet as I enter the forlorn and frightening hallways of Madame Marie’s Massacre Manor — one of several severed-from-reality mazes at Great America’s Halloween Haunt — feeble flames from faux gas lamps flutter in the gloom. Muddled shapes and scenes loom large as my eyes adjust, revealing tattered walls, voodoo dolls and chandeliers made of human bones.
Suddenly, out of nowhere (actually, from the makeup trailer, but pretend I didn’t tell you that) a gaggle of ghouls emerges. The Madame herself leads the way, sweeping in on a stormy cloud of black taffeta and dark intentions (she has a penchant for turning the wayward into garden fertilizer). She’s accompanied by an armless, decaying zombie, a classic witch, a doomed-yet-defiant conspiracy theorist (think Richard Dreyfuss in “Close Encounters of the Third Kind”) and a bloodthirsty and disturbingly perky clown named Giggles.
“Hey, I’m a jester, OK? See the hat? The bells? I’m a jester. Not a clown!” Giggles squeaks through gritted and blood-stained teeth. Sorry, dude. Chill out.
But fear not. Or rather, go ahead and fear, because this threatening throng is roaming loose at the Santa Clara theme park’s annual creep fest, scaring the bejesus out of people Fridays through Sundays until Oct. 29. Now in its 10th year, the event offers more haunted mazes, music, mystery and mayhem than ever.
Interview with the undead
With this gruesome group momentarily confined — although I’m not sure which of us is the captive audience — I plan to ask them about their favorite wicked things to do in the Bay Area as Halloween this way comes. So we all sit down in the Madame’s parlor of despair for a little Q&A and for what turns out to be a surprisingly lively conversation with the undead.
“Excuse me,” says the conspiracy theorist, raising his hand. He’s a husky fellow who claims his name is Henry Gein. He plans to roam the haunt’s new Backwoods maze to work on his manifesto on the holographic nature of reality. “Technically, I’m not dead yet,” he asserts. “I just want to put that out there.”
Jeez, what a touchy bunch. To soften them up a little — well, the zombie’s already ripe — I start with a few general questions, before getting down to Halloween specifics:
Me: So, ghouls — and Henry — it seems you don’t get a lot of favorable press. How do you feel about the way you’re portrayed in the media these days? You know, “The Walking Dead,” “American Horror Story,” even Plants vs. Zombies … fake news?
(The zombie, Archibald Remington the 34th — which is a mouthful even for animated corpses, much less reanimated — is the first to respond.)
Archie: (Cough, hack, cough) … pardon. Maggots in the throat.
I think it’s a very bad representation of undead Americans. It’s not as if we are a disease. Some of us have been brought about by black magic, you know. In fact, I crawled across the sea floor from England about 120 years ago. I’ve lost a few things along the way (he moans, nodding to his empty sleeves), but I’ve kept my winning smile.
Me: And what about creepy clowns? Yes, Giggles, we know, settle down. They’ve been getting a lot of publicity lately. Do the rest of you feel upstaged?
Witch: No, it’s wonderful! Who do you think
turned all those people into clowns? BWAHahaha!
Archie: I think clowns are up in airs because they have all their flesh remaining. Such arrogance.
Me: Archibald, stereotypes suggest you’re always hungry. Of this crowd, who would you choose to eat? Would the clown taste funny? Giggles: Hey, not a clown! Archie: No, he scares me. I’ll have the sweaty man (Henry). He looks like he’s been marinating awhile. Me: Who’s the most fun at parties?
Giggles: Hello!
Witch: I like the raw appeal of zombies. I personally like to play Kick the Zombie at parties.
Archie: That’s how I lost old lefty.
Me: I thought that was during your sea crawl … Archie: No, that was old righty.
Me: We know you have a soft spot for Great America. What’s your favorite part of the park’s Halloween Haunt?
Madame: I like the Roadkill Road House. They grind up such lovely things. Easy to digest, you know.
Giggles: Just to let you in on a secret. The Demon (roller coaster) is back this year. Yes! He’s coming back with so much blood. Hee hee!
Me: Any other haunts? The candlelight tour at the Winchester Mystery House in San Jose? The Pirates of Emerson in Pleasanton? The ScareCo attraction in Newark?
Giggles: Well, sometimes I take my victims up to The San Francisco Dungeon on Fisherman’s Wharf. Tee hee! They don’t come out again!
Archie: I like the zombie pub crawls myself. My family likes to claw their way out from underground and we make a lot of new friends. A lot of new friends.
By now, the group is getting a bit restless and the zombie is starting to disintegrate. So I bid them farewell, relieved this wasn’t an interview with a vampire. That would have been draining.
What: One of the Bay Area’s premier fright fests is returning with its haunted mazes, including Zombie High, Wax Museum Chamber of Horrors, Roadkill Road House, CornStalkers, Madame Marie’s Massacre Manor and Toy Factory; plus live entertainment from Blood Drums, Nytewalkers and Sideshow.
New for 2017: The Demon Re-ignited — the venerable roller coaster brings back its lights, fog, music and blood-red waterfall just for the season. The new Chaos House is providing mystifying special effects, the Backwoods maze leads guests to a deserted cabin through a werewolf-filled forest and scare zones have been reincarnated into Jester Town, Underworld Alley and Feary Tales.
Details: Runs Fridays, Saturdays and Sundays through Oct. 29. Tickets are $30-$110; www.cagreatamerica.com/haunt.