Know-it-all brother defended by mother

DEAR AMY >> My brother has always been difficult to deal with. He thinks he knows everything about everything.

I have always overlooked his faults and helped him out. He has been divorced twice and only knows one of his three children. He has been fired from numerous jobs, and has lost countless friends and girlfriends because of his know-it-all attitude.

Recently on a trip to our family home upstate, our mother asked him to move to the end of our deck to smoke his cigarette. The smoke bothers me, and my mother has COPD. He refused, saying, “... get used to it.”

I couldn’t believe he wouldn’t move 15 feet away. He began screaming at me and cursing.

I haven’t spoken to my brother since, but somehow my mother is angry with me for confronting him.

My mother always sides with my brother. He helps her out, and I am also constantly there for her, but she feels sorry for him and continues to make excuses for his behavior.

I refuse to go to our upstate home if he is there and will not refrain from smoking in my presence.

Am I being unreasonable, or is this simply another case of my brother asserting control?

I need an impartial opinion. — Upset Sister

DEAR UPSET >> Your mother is defensive about this dynamic, because she is an important part of the dynamic. Your brother could not behave this way without her assent. She helped to create this smokespewing Godzilla, and now she will baby him, even at her own expense.

Regarding keeping your distance, you should do what you want to do. What you should not do is make heavy pronouncements. Don’t announce that you will no longer spend time at your family’s upstate home if your brother is there. Decide on a case-by-case basis what you want to do, and always build in an escape hatch so that the consequences are proportional, immediate, and in your control. For instance, your brother lights up. You ask him to move a few feet away. He refuses. You say, “Well, then, I’m going to have to say goodbye. See you soon, Mom. I’ll be in touch.”

DEAR AMY >> I really identified with “Up to Here with Gifts,” whose kids are overwhelmed with gifts at Christmas time. We had the same issue, and so we initiated a family gift exchange where people drew names from a hat and concentrated on that person. — Happy with Less

DEAR HAPPY >> My family did this, too; it worked out well.