Addressing talky sister-in-law
DEAR AMY >> My husband’s sister came to visit us recently. From the minute she came in the door, she talked, nonstop, for an hour and 45 minutes. She talked about her life, complained about her husband, talked about her adult children and on and on.
She never once asked how we were or what we were up to.
The few times my husband or I tried to talk, she talked right over us.
She talks so fast and just keeps going. You can’t get in a word!
Finally, after an hour and 45 minutes, my husband said we had someplace to go.
She has always been self-absorbed, but has gotten worse, as all her kids have moved out and now have lives of their own.
Should my husband talk to her about this? He wants to tell her, in a nice way, that she’s not the only one at this stage of life. He would like to tell her that conversation should be “give and take.”
Some people advised that we shouldn’t confront her with this.
At this point in her life, we don’t think her behavior will change. We just want her to be aware of how we feel, so that any future visits will be doable; so that maybe she will try to hold her tongue a bit, in the future. What are your thoughts? DEAR WORRIED >> I don’t relish being an armchair diagnostician, but it is possible that your sisterin-law is in something of a manic state. I note that she has always been a talker, but you say that this has gotten worse.
Your husband has nothing to lose — and it might actually be helpful if he started the conversation by expressing concern: “Sis, the last time you were with us, do you realize that you talked nonstop for almost two hours? This doesn’t seem normal to me, and I wonder if you are OK.”
She might react defensively, but occasionally a loving and respectful correction can cause a person to reflect on their behavior and work to make some changes.
Even if she doesn’t change, being honest about this can enable your husband to cope with this openly in the future: “Sis, take a breath. Let’s have a conversation, not a monologue.”
DEAR AMY >> “Feeling Torn” described the terrible awkwardness in the family after parents and godparents dissolved their business relationship.
You compared this to a divorce and noted that children of divorce often successfully compartmentalize their relationships in order to get along.
My parents went through a nasty divorce, and my sisters and I struggled, but over time we sort of put these relationships in separate drawers. When I’m with them, I actually visualize drawers that I open and close, and this seems to help. DEAR BEEN THERE >> This sounds like a tidy technique to cope with messy relationships.