In-law seeks investment protection
DEAR AMY » I’m engaged to be married soon.
My fiancée bought a house last year, with a sizable down payment provided by her mother.
A few weeks ago, my future motherin-law expressed the sentiment that we should wait to put my name on the deed of the house in order “to see how the marriage works out.”
I understand that she wants to protect her investment, but we have decided to combine all of our finances in an effort to show unity, as well as making house-related issues easier for me to handle.
I feel like she thinks I’m a gold digger. To make matters worse, my fiancée has trouble establishing boundaries with her mother and did not inform her mother of our plans to combine finances until the other day. Her mother said this was “fine,” but I wonder.
My future mother-inlaw is fun and generous, and I value her advice, but I could go without directives and intrusiveness in the future.
How do I approach this sensitive subject? — Confused in California DEAR CONFUSED »
I agree with your choice to combine finances, and it sounds as if your future mother-inlaw does, too. You could handle this house situation by drawing up a prenuptial (or postnuptial) agreement where you and your future wife agree to repay her mother in full if/when you sell the house. If you and your wife are both on the deed, you might agree to forgo your own individual share of the value of the down payment if you and she divorce. Work out this agreement with a lawyer’s help.
Your future motherin-law might actually be a great asset to you, if you can listen and learn from her without feeling stomped on. If you don’t want her involved in your finances, do not accept money from her — and pay her back for this down payment as soon as possible.
Like every partnering couple, you and your wife are going to have to work hard to reconfigure your family structure. You two should be inside your (virtual) “house,” with your parents, siblings and others just outside the door. In order to be let in, they must wait to be invited.
Your future motherin-law poisoned the well somewhat by openly expressing her lack of faith in the staying power of your marriage. Your most positive response would be to prove her wrong.
DEAR AMY » I was disgusted by your PC answer to the letter from “Colleague,” who said he wanted to wear a traditional Indian ceremonial shirt to the office for Halloween.
Halloween is a fun day when people dress in costumes. This day, along with so many others, is being ruined by people like you. — Disgusted DEAR DISGUSTED » Halloween is a day when children dress up and go door to door, begging for candy. If you want to dress up in a ceremonial costume at the office, then pick one from your own culture. Otherwise, grow up.