They need to learn how to talk
DEAR AMY » I have been married to my husband for almost 10 years. I feel like I don’t get enough support from him, either at home or at work.
When we got married, he was in a supervisory position. He wasn’t my boss, but we couldn’t work together. When I would try to vent, about work, he indicated that he couldn’t help me due to him being a manager.
Even now that he is no longer a supervisor, he sometimes doesn’t want to listen to me or allow me to vent.
I have told him, countless times, that I don’t want his help. I just want him to listen!
The same goes with our children. Anytime there is a problem, he leaves it up to me to speak to my son (his stepson).
Then, when I try to talk to him about it, he gets mad at me and tunes me out. Even when we get into a discussion in the car, if I am quiet and am looking out the window, he will get mad and say that I am giving him the silent treatment. I tell him that I am internalizing his comments.
Amy, I get to the point where I just don’t want to say anything because I know it will lead to him getting mad and telling me that I am taking things too literally or sometimes he will make a hurtful joke at my expense.
He has been very supportive about other things, and was my rock (still is) after my daughter (his stepdaughter) was murdered five years ago.
Can you help? DEAR WIFE » It’s easy to communicate when times are good: a loving glance will do it. I believe that the man you describe as your “rock” after an almost unimaginable tragedy is still there, but the grief and stress of your lives has interrupted your ability to communicate lovingly and effectively.
Some of what you describe falls into classic stereotypes of how women and men communicate differently: Women want to vent, men want to “fix.” When you talk about problems at work, your husband’s inner voice instinctively responds, “I can be a hero to my wife and offer some platinum-plated advice!” Your inner voice says, “Dude, I just want to talk. Don’t tell me what to do. You love me best by listening.”
I hope that you and your husband (and son) have received some grief counseling. Touching base with a support group like Compassionate Friends (compassionatefriends.org) would help all of you. A couples counselor would also coach you to review your communication style. This is fixable; recognition of your individual differences in expression will inspire you to alter your own responses, and understand each other better. Your marriage, and your parenting, will be transformed.