How to respond when grieving
DEAR AMY » I’m wondering how to respond to people inquiring about your children when one of them died in the not-too-distant past.
My 35-year-old daughter died last summer, after a hellish battle with cancer. We are all, of course, still struggling with grief, though we’ve had great support and the impacts are diminishing over time.
My struggle is with questions like, “Do you have children?” “How many children do you have?” “How’s your family?” and similar questions that arise in casual conversation.
I don’t believe in an afterlife, so I don’t believe my daughter is still around, and using the present tense implies existence, so it feels wrong to me. And this is even worse when her 7-yearold daughter is with me: She knows that her mom is gone.
Any advice? DEAR GRANDPA » My sincere condolences to all of you. It can be excruciating to try to describe your life in a casual way when you are so very sad.
You don’t say how many children you had, so I’m going to say that (for instance) you had three. If people ask, “How many children do you have?” and you don’t want to discuss things deeply, you can say, “My wife and I raised three kids.” If you want to dip in a little more, you can say, “Our oldest, Gwyneth, passed away last year from cancer” (supplying the cause might spare you from more intrusive questions). If her daughter is with you, simply say, “And this is her awesome daughter and my granddaughter, ‘Cammy’!”
I hope that through time you may realize that there will be many, many examples of kinship, kindness and comfort from people who have walked a similar path.
DEAR AMY » “Caregiver” recently wrote to you regarding an elderly man with dementia and his granddaughter that moved in and “snuggles” with him in his bed every night.
Your advice was that she “must report this” to her supervisor and/or adult protective services and to “do the right thing.”
You, nor the caregiver, know what their relationship was like in the past, especially before the dementia. From the granddaughter’s perspective, she is losing a part of her grandfather. It may just be her way of showing love toward him and she’s obviously not trying to hide her behavior.
If the caregiver is truly concerned about this behavior, she should contact the son or daughter of this man who probably hired her.
This does not sound like elder abuse to me. DEAR CONCERNED » Others agree with you. However, I felt the tone of the question from “Caregiver” was reasonable, rational and based on professional experience. When a professional (who understands dementia) expresses concern, then yes, I believe she is compelled to do something about it, but I value your take.