Unable to forgive for stalking

DEAR AMY » Fifteen years ago, when I was 16, I stalked one of my teachers. While I never made any threats against them (I loved them), I did everything I could to be close, including joining clubs they moderated, offering gifts, casually going on walks past their house (we lived in the same neighborhood) and even showing up at the grocery store when I knew they would be shopping.

While the teacher was generally calm and kind toward me, I was referred to the guidance counselor and my teacher passively told me our time spent together could get them into trouble.

None of this sank in, and I kept pushing to be closer. I wanted nothing more than to be a member of their family and receive unconditional love.

Needless to say, this ended very poorly. The teacher sent me a letter to never contact them again upon graduation.

I’ve run into this teacher a handful of times over the years, and we have had very cold interactions.

I grew up with an abusive mother who was very unpredictable. She went between smothering behavior and neglect. After years of therapy, I now know I suffer from an attachment disorder. I have been working hard to overcome it.

The problem is I cannot forgive myself. I feel like a sick, disgusting, crazy person and feel awful for the discomfort and possible fear I inflicted on my teacher.

The teacher has moved on and has done wonderful things. I have too, but there is always this underlying feeling that my past will be relived and my entire life will fall apart. How can I learn to forgive myself and move on? — Reformed

DEAR REFORMED » We all need to forgive ourselves. You should start by assuming that your former teacher forgives you.

Your unwillingness (or inability) to forgive yourself is holding you back and keeping you stuck in a period of deep pain.

One perspective on this is to understand that you deserve to release and liberate yourself from this, because your guilt is holding you back and impairing your ability to give the world the generous and loving person that resides within.

Your choice to explore this in therapy and to face your actions speaks so well of you. The fact that you take responsibility for your actions and respect the process means that you will prevail. You already have insight. Now you need to cultivate gentleness, patience and selflove.

Meditation and daily self-affirmation can help you to uncouple your current self from the lonely and troubled young person you were.

I am currently reading “The Places that Scare You: A Guide to Fearlessness in Difficult Times,” by Buddhist thinker Pema Chodron (2002, Shambhala). You are already “leaning in” to your scariest places. The next phase for you is to continue the hard work of forgiveness, detachment and reconciliation.