Charity seems out of line

DEAR MISS MANNERS

>> I have a new friend, though we are not close. Her mother’s house burned down, and the friend has decided to throw a party, asking for donations from friends and acquaintances to attend, and to donate items to be auctioned. She is a stay-at-home mom, and has recently talked of going back to work to help with expenses, but has not done so. Her kids are older; she could do it. She has not taken her mother into their home to live. She and her husband still have their membership at the country club, where the auction will be held.

I freely give what I can to a few charities each year, but I am having a really hard time with this. I feel it is inappropriate to ask friends and acquaintances to support a family member that you have not done everything possible to help yourself first. She even sent invites to my friends that are not her friends.

My husband and I have a few family members who could use help right now. And years ago, my aunt’s house burned down, and she never asked anyone for anything.

Am I crazy? I could never imagine doing what she and her husband are doing. I’d have my mom sleeping on the floor in my house if there was little room, and I’d help her as much as possible before I would ask friends and acquaintances to give money and donate items. GENTLE READER >> Selffundraising, or what we used to call begging, has become widespread. Of course you should not be shamed into complying when you believe that your charity can be better directed.

Ordinarily it would be none of your business how your friend lives her life — whether she works, retains her country club membership or takes in her mother. But she has made it your business. And when donating to a cause, you are only being responsible by looking into how the charity is managed.

Allow Miss Manners to suggest that you meant that you would sleep on the floor while giving your mother your bed.