Reader lives in ‘museum of a life well-lived’

I never meant to hurt anybody, especially not a sweet older woman. But it happened.

Her first email arrived telling me that

I had made her feel guilty for her desire to keep the things she loved around her.

“Maybe it was the title that enticed me, at my very advanced age of 90, to actually read a home decorating column,” she wrote.

The column, “Sometimes, less of ‘you’ in your home is better,” was about how to put the “you” in your home, but not too much of you, rather a well edited representation of you.

When I referred to “those homes,” she felt called out. “You said, ‘those homes’ with a slight sneer. I guess you might say that I am living in a similar home.”

Here’s a replay of the offending word: “I’m picturing those homes where the sentimental owners smother every doily-covered surface with memorabilia … and where oodles of family photos spread across tables like the tattoo plague.”

Oh, boy. I am knee-deep now.

“Though I am no hoarder, and my home, which I have been in for 52 years, is clean, I am surrounded by stories.” The objects have behind them stories, wonderful stories. The objects remind me of living memories. I live in what some might call a museum — a museum of a life well lived.”

By now, I have slinked like a skink between the cushions of my chair.

“I know you did not mean to do it,” she continued, with a kindness I do not deserve, “but you made me feel guilty for not being more philosophical and for being downright unmotivated to spend the years I have left getting rid of stuff.”

What kind of a brute would tell an woman of 90 that she has to give up her beloved belongings?

“I do not think you are wrong about getting rid of stuff,” she wrote in what became an increasingly endearing email thread, (10 exchanges in all) between a humbled columnist and a wiser, older women. “I am sure you have criteria that I could use to get rid of things.”

“After our discussion,” she writes the next day, “I thought maybe I could really get rid of some things. I know I would be doing my family a favor if I chucked out stuff, and I feel a bit selfish keeping it. ….

“Maybe one day you could write an article about an old gal with too many objects writing you a funny note that says it is important for us not to all live in identical houses.” Good idea.

“And perhaps you can write about what people can give old folks with full houses, so they don’t get more stuff.” Another good idea. And so, here are seven gift ideas to give elderly loved ones whose homes are already too full:

A hand around the house. Ask or look around for what you can do to help maintain the house, then offer to paint, patch, repair, mow,

weed, or clean. A fun experience. Get them tickets to the theater, a sporting event or concert, or a gift certificate to a dinner out. Your time. Visit and create more memories for both of you. Let them share their stories, and advice. Perishable pleasures. Give flowers, a fruit basket, or other consumables they can enjoy that won’t last. Something for the yard. A rosebush, new plants, or a bird feeder can bring joy. A membership. Enroll them in a coffee-of-the month club. A donation in their name to their favorite cause.

“You seem to have a good sense of humor,” my new friend wrote in her last email. “I would love to have tea in your neat house and to have you in my museum.”

“I would love that, too.”

Syndicated columnist Marni Jameson is the author of three books, including “Downsizing the Family Home — What to Save, What to Let Go”. You can reach her at www.marnijameson.com. To see all of Marni Jameson’s columns, go to https://www. mercurynews.com/ author/marni-jameson/