Tell son truth about his father

DEAR AMY » Two years ago, I was in an abusive relationship that ended when I got pregnant.

I left the situation immediately, and have never returned. My young son’s father has never met the child or shown any interest in being involved. That’s not really a problem for me.

Since then, I’ve gotten engaged to another man, “Barry,” with whom I have a much healthier relationship.

He’s the only father my son has ever known, and he plans on adopting him in the near future.

Should I ever tell my son that the man who has raised him is not his father?

And when do I address that? I feel as though at some point it’s necessary, so that my son doesn’t find out on his own and is upset with me for not being honest. Is there an age that is too early or too late? —K DEAR K » Yes, you should tell your son.

One way to introduce the concept of the distant biological parent would be to be open and celebratory about the adoption process. Take pictures of you and your husband holding your son at the courthouse. Celebrate this as the day “Barry” became your child’s “Forever Dad.”

Keep in mind that an adoptive parent is the “real parent.” Don’t use the phrase “real father” to describe your son’s biological parent.

You and Barry should share this story as often as your son wants to hear it, and always in a very joyful way.

At around the age of 4, children start to become fascinated by babies, families and relationships. Use photos to help tell his story. You can say, “First I met this man. His name is Steve Smith [provide both names]. He put the seed in mommy’s body that grew into a baby, and that baby is you! Then I met Daddy and he told me his wish was to be your forever father, and so the three of us got the papers signed and ... we’re a family! Do you remember this day? That was a great day for us.”

Through time, answer every question carefully and truthfully. Later on, if your son wants to meet his biological parent, help him try to make that connection. You and his father should also help him to handle whatever consequences flow from that particular challenge.

DEAR AMY » “Driving Me Nuts” complained of her 90-year-old husband’s sexual “jokes” directed at women.

Approaching 80, I have seen lots of men my age, and older, expect laughs from ill-timed, ill-told or just plain unfunny stories.

If this guy’s behavior doesn’t respond to spousal admonition, maybe he ought to see a doctor. Age by itself doesn’t connote dementia, but it certainly can lead to a dimming of perspective on one’s own conduct. A talking-to by a health care professional might help sharpen his focus. — Mike DEAR MIKE » Thank you for sharing your perspective.