Investigate child’s abuse claims

DEAR AMY » My 28-year-old college educated ADULT child has a 3-yearold child who has no relationship at all with his other biological parent.

My adult child is currently in a livein relationship with another person. My spouse and I see our grandchild often, both willingly and because we’re needed to help with child care during some work hours.

The significant other spends a fair amount of time alone with my grandchild.

I’ve seen and heard horror stories of abusive boyfriends/girlfriends and the harm they can commit not only to their significant others but to the children involved in those relationships.

I ask my grandchild from time to time if “so and so” is nice to them.

Every time the answer is basically this: NO, they are not. NO, they spank me. NO, I get spanked on my butt and my cheek.

I have passed this information on to my adult child and the response is usually the same: The child’s parent doesn’t believe it.

My feeling is this: A 3-year-old cannot LIE about something like that.

What do I do? — Worried Gram DEAR WORRIED » The correct response to this report is never to assume that the child is lying, but to investigate and discern what is behind these statements.

Everything your grandchild says should be taken seriously; if he reports being hit, you must follow through. The parent should not accuse him of lying, but instead, every adult should try to find out why he is reporting this. Reflexively accusing them of lying calls this parent’s instincts into serious question.

There is no question that this child is in the “high risk” category: no contact with one biological parent, and the other parent has moved another unrelated adult into the home.

The statistics concerning the risk to children when a parent cohabits with a nonrelative are shocking. According to an oft-quoted 2005 study published in the Journal of American Academy of Pediatrics: “Children living in households with unrelated adults are nearly 50 times as likely to die of inflicted injuries as children living with two biological parents.”

Over the course of the eight-year study, in households with unrelated adults, most perpetrators (83.9 percent) were the unrelated adult household member; 6.5 percent of perpetrators were the biological parent of the child.

Even if this child is not in physical danger, his statements indicate distress.

You and your spouse should do everything possible to get to know the domestic partner. Take on more child care, if possible. Urge the child’s parent to take this very seriously. And if the parent doesn’t, you should report this to CPS.

Also, enroll the child in a quality nursery school or Head Start program. Experienced teachers can mark his progress, and are also mandated reporters.

You can contact Amy Dickinson via email: askamy@amydickinson.com. Readers may send postal mail to Ask Amy, P.O. Box 194, Freeville, NY 13068. You can also follow her on Twitter @ askingamy or “like” her on Facebook.