Mother needs to walk own path

DEAR AMY » Iam a single mom. My main focus and passion has always been my children.

Yesterday was my birthday and I spent the evening with my oldest son, 31, and his girlfriend. They are fundamentally good kids and I enjoy being with them (for the most part).

However, I am always waiting for the other shoe to drop when it comes to my son.

He keeps making bad choices: DUI last year, and then after being sober for five months, he smoked pot and now has to go to jail for violating his probation.

He is now ineligible for most well-paying positions.

He’s feeling bad, and I’m trying not to show how terribly he has disappointed me. He and his siblings have been my life’s work.

I’m having an extremely hard time accepting that my son is a depressed alcoholic and will never live up to the vision I had for him, nor fulfill his own potential.

He’s upset that he doesn’t have the good life, and yet he’s not willing/can’t do what it takes to be successful. I feel like all my hard work has been wasted.

Also, he will not take medication for depression, nor admit that he needs to stop drinking.

How do I let him live his life and accept him, without the anxiety and sadness I feel over how he is wasting his life? DEAR DEVOTED » Get yourself to an Al-anon meeting (check Al-anon.org for a local place and time).

Al-anon meetings consist of people who are worried about and affected by a loved-one’s alcohol (or other substance) use or abuse.

You seem invested in a fairly specific version of the success you envision for your son. You have decided that he is a failure. He is 31 years old, and yet you also seem ready to write him off.

Some loved-ones contribute to an addict’s problems by being in denial. You seem to be doing the opposite.

Understand that your own anxiety and reactions affect him. If he is depressed, then your judgment and disappointment will not help him.

Forget about well-paying jobs. The world is full of worthy people who don’t have well-paying jobs.

You need to learn the art of loving detachment. This is especially tough for single parents, who have sacrificed and invested so much. A version of this for you might be for you to repeat this mantra (to yourself): “I love you, but I’m not you. I’m in your corner and always hoping for the best. I’m powerless over your drinking, but I’ll continue to hope that you will embrace sobriety.”

That’s it. Shed your disappointment — make a choice to put it aside. Walk your own path one day at a time.