Boyfriend’s lies lead straight to the gym

DEAR AMY >> My boyfriend and I have been together for three years. We decided to make some major sacrifices in order to pay off debt and save up for a house. This includes driving junky cars and moving in with his parents.

He and I were both working out with a personal trainer, him twice a week and me once a week.

I quit the training because I found a cheaper option. My boyfriend decided to start seeing the trainer three times per week. I think this is irresponsible, considering we are in saving mode right now. This is why my boyfriend decided to cover it up and lie about it — badly.

I caught on pretty quickly, but rather than be accusatory, I simply told him that if he wants to see the trainer three times per week to not feel as though he has to hide it. Even then he continued to lie about his whereabouts.

Today I found his gym clothes crumpled up and hidden. I confronted him and he finally came clean.

Amy, I am really upset. He told me he was lying to protect my feelings. What?

Do I have a right to be upset? Can I trust him moving forward? Am I being controlling? As he said, it’s not like he cheated on me.

— Out of Shape

DEAR OUT OF SHAPE >> Your boyfriend sounds like a bit of a baby. You gave him an out, and instead of coming clean, he doubled down on his lie.

Honestly, taking good care of oneself and maintaining fitness is a good idea — even when you’re trying to economize. But your guy’s choice to watch you stop, while secretly increasing his own training, is selfish and immature. He didn’t lie to protect your feelings; he lied to protect his own.

I don’t believe this one episode is a deal breaker, but try to take a long-view look at your relationship: Are you always in charge? Are you the “responsible” one? Do you feel like you are parenting him?

If so, then understand that this is not a great dynamic for either of you. Your control will infantilize him, and his immaturity will make you even more in charge. Healthy relationships have a sense of balance — you are good at some things, he is good at others. You take care of one another, admit to your own mistakes and always strive to do better.

DEAR AMY >> “On the Outs” was grieving the sudden loss of a work friendship.

I’m surprised that you didn’t mention possible false #metoo accusations as one reason this male colleague would back away from the close relationship.

— Realistic

DEAR REALISTIC >> “On the Outs” didn’t mention their gender, and while I guess it’s possible that #metoo entered this workplace story, I think it’s doubtful.