Brother misused mom’s funds
DEAR AMY » When my elderly parents were living in an assisted-living facility, both my older sister and brother lived nearby. My father earned a very good living and was a meticulous planner. They had accumulated a sizeable nest egg that enabled them to live very comfortably in retirement, with the likelihood that there would be a reasonable sum left after they died.
After my father developed Alzheimer’s disease, my brother agreed to assume control of their financial affairs. After our father’s death, my sister took on the role, and is now in charge of Mom’s finances.
To her horror, she discovered that my brother had taken large sums of money from our mother’s accounts for his personal use, including for the purchase of a new car.
She confronted him, and he admitted to the theft, saying that he needed the money to try and repair his money problems. He begged her not to tell his wife.
He repaid a small portion, but said he simply couldn’t repay the rest. My mother was obviously disappointed and angry, but seems to have forgiven him.
This news shook me to my core. I looked up to my older brother! I knew he wasn’t perfect, but I always felt he had integrity. I’m not religious, but he seemed to profess a real desire to live a good, “Christian” life.
It has been six months since I learned his secret. Although we have seen each other and communicated several times since, I have not brought it up.
I am hurt, angry and disillusioned, but at the same time I still love my brother. I am saddened. How do I move on from this? — Disappointed Younger Brother DEAR DISAPPOINTED » Let me point out the obvious: stealing money to purchase a new car is not “repairing money problems,” but creating them.
One way to move on from this is to be open about it now. Why are you protecting your brother from a natural consequence of his crime (i.e. your disillusionment and disappointment)? Is knowledge of his actions so dangerous to your own belief system that you must continue to stuff it down? I hope not. The path toward forgiveness runs right through the heart of his fallibility.
You and your siblings should have a family meeting (with your mother, and with or without your brother). Now that everyone knows about this theft, you should handle it as a family. If you don’t want to pursue this legally, one obvious solution would be to deduct the amount your brother stole (plus interest) from any inheritance he might receive. Maybe his share of the inheritance will cover the amount he stole. If not, he should pay the balance to his siblings. If he assumes responsibility, makes amends and asks for forgiveness, he should receive it. So far, he does not seem to have done his part.