Encounter prompts questions
DEAR AMY » Asa child, I only met my maternal grandmother, who visited — along with my aunt — twice. My uncle called once or twice a year.
I asked my mom about her absent family. She said, “Some families are just that way.” I let it go, but was always curious.
At a recent, away-fromhome conference I attended, I was taken aback to find my (estranged) aunt on a speaker panel! Two women sitting at my table knew my aunt and mom from high school 50 years ago. They were “chatty” and talked about what a smart, funny, warm person my aunt is. They talked about how she sacrificed and endured such hardship to care for my grandparents and uncle in the years before they died. (They weren’t aware that I am related to the people they were discussing.)
They tsk-tsked about how sad it was that my aunt’s only remaining family (my mom) had abandoned her ill family members with rarely a look back.
They described Mom as a narcissist, and told hurtful stories. I didn’t say anything, and left early, upset inside.
I don’t blame my mom for wanting the freedom to create her own life not tied to ill family members. I also now understand how hard this must have been for my relatives, and especially for my aunt, who carried the load alone.
My mother can be guarded and avoidant of conversations she doesn’t want to have. I don’t want to hurt her, but this bothers me. How can I discuss it without opening a can of worms? — Both Sides Now DEAR BOTH SIDES » You don’t seem to have introduced yourself to your aunt — or disclosed your very close relationship to the woman your tablemates were gossiping about. I mention this to illustrate the very long tentacles of family estrangements.
It’s time to open the can. Your mother is guarded and avoidant when she doesn’t want to talk about something. Aren’t we all? I suggest that you introduce this by saying, “Mom, I want to have a conversation about our family. Please bear with me.” Then, you should fully disclose your experience at the conference. Tell her that you find this confusing, and that you would like to understand these relationships from her perspective. Tell her, “I’m not judging you, but I want to understand why we don’t have contact. Can you tell me about it?”
You should decide whether you want to independently contact your aunt (I vote yes).
Read: Healing from Family Rifts: Ten Steps to Finding Peace after Being Cut Off from a Family Member,” by Mark Sichel, (2004, McGraw Hill).
DEAR AMY » Thank you for your compassionate advice to “Devastated Dad,” who was inclined to skip his estranged son’s high school graduation. I hope he accepts your gentle nudge not to give up on his son. — Grateful Son DEAR GRATEFUL » Healing from an estrangement is a long process. Showing up is the first step.