My brother’s suicide is what motivates this plea to you
Few issues in life are more difficult for healthy, happy people to understand than the mindset of people who die by suicide.
I know. My oldest brother killed himself in 1983 at the age of 31. Ever since, I’ve done what those left behind so often do: Wonder what I could have done — no, should have done — to prevent it.
The issue was again in the public eye last week when news broke that fashion designer Kate Spade and chef Anthony Bourdain had taken their lives.
The same week the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention reported the news that suicide rates had risen steadily in nearly every state from 1999 to 2016, increasing by 14.8 percent in California and 25 percent nationally.
It’s heartbreaking to realize that nearly 45,000 Americans died by their own hand in 2016, making it the 10th leading cause of death.
There must be something more we can do to help those in need.
But, for me, the thought of revisiting my brother’s death and the pain it caused can be overwhelming in ways that I still fail to fully comprehend. I almost always avoid talking about it. When I heard the news about Spade and Bourdain my first thought was to do whatever necessary to put it out of my mind. Don’t read the stories. Don’t talk about it. Don’t think about it. Focus instead on anything — North Korea, traffic woes, affordable housing, the Giants game — to avoid bringing back those nightmares.
My brother wouldn’t want that. This I also know. He was a man who had an opinion on everything and wasn’t afraid to share it (it runs in the family). He wasn’t one to avoid talking about an issue. He’d want us to find something positive that could come out of his experience.
So that’s what led to two conversations in the last week with Toni Tullys, Santa Clara County’s director of Behavioral
It’s heartbreaking to realize that nearly 45,000 Americans died by their own hand in 2016, making it the 10th leading cause of death. There must be something more we can do to help those in need.
Health Services.
One of the first things I learned from Tullys is that calls to the county’s suicide crisis hotline (855-278-4204) were up 25 percent last week. On average, the county has six well-trained staff members and 100 volunteers answering the 750 weekly calls (roughly 3,000 each month) made to the hotline, which is open 24 hours a day, seven days a week. Calls are also up in other parts of the Bay Area and in California.
“It’s really important to reach out to people who are struggling and find ways to help them,” said Tullys. “We need to have more conversations that focus on depression and finding ways to talk to people who may be contemplating suicide. We would all benefit if people weren’t so afraid to talk about these issues and share with family, friends, neighbors and coworkers.”
Many people are afraid to get involved out of uncertainty over what to do or fear that they may say the wrong thing at the wrong time and make what appears to be a bad situation worse.
It’s understandable. Suicide is complex. No two people are alike, and mental disorders aren’t always easy to recognize because they manifest themselves in so many different ways. Experts on suicide prevention note that mental disorders and/or substance abuse are found in about 90 percent of people who die by suicide.
Since my brother’s suicide, I’ve learned how important it is to be better educated on the warning signs. The National Suicide Prevention Lifeline includes the following as serious causes for concerns: “talking about wanting to die; looking for a way to kill oneself; talking about feeling hopeless or having no purpose; talking about feeling trapped or unbearable pain; talking about being a burden to others; increasing the use of alcohol or drugs; acting anxious, agitated or recklessly; sleeping too little or too much; withdrawing or feeling isolated; showing rage or talking about seeking revenge; and displaying extreme mood swings.”
The same experts offer advice on what to do if someone exhibits warning signs of suicide: “Do not leave the person alone; remove any firearms and alcohol, drugs or sharp objects; call the county or national suicide hotline (800273-TALK); take the person to an emergency room or seek help from a medical or mental health professional.”
We don’t know — and may never know — the reason(s) why Spade and Bourdain killed themselves. Nor am I at all sure why my brother did the same. He had a severe mental illness and by choice was living hundreds of miles away from family at the time of his death.
He didn’t have a telephone (this was long before the days of cellphones), and I wish to this day I had written to him or visited him more often than I did, no matter how hard it was to interact with him.
So I offer a plea to those who have acquaintances or loved ones who are struggling: Check in with them. Ask how they are doing. You don’t have to be a mental health expert yourself. If you are unsure of what to say or ask, call the suicide prevention hotline. Be a part of the movement to make it easier to talk about and help prevent suicide.
Be a friend. You won’t regret it.