Dealing with preteen’s behavior

DEAR AMY » I have a wonderful 11-yearold daughter. “Tally” is the only child of both her father and me. We were in our early 20s when she was born. We’ve raised her separately, but have maintained a positive relationship.

Tally is a typical only child. She and I lived with my family, which included my teenage sister and brother, for most of her earlier childhood. She has always had happy family around.

I am now happily married to a guy that loves and adores her (and doesn’t want any other children).

I’m concerned that my daughter doesn’t seem to have much empathy or awareness about how to deal with sibling relationships, or with her friends. She seems to encourage arguments.

Tally has told her friend “Debbie” that Debbie’s sibling likes Tally more than Debbie.

I feel like she causes drama between kids. She recently invited only one of our neighbors to come over and play, which upset the child’s younger sibling and resulted in an awkward situation between adults.

She understands that her words are hurtful, and I can tell she feels bad, but she also continues the behavior.

I don’t want her to be the kid that isn’t kind or doesn’t understand sibling bonds.

How can I help her be more inclusive? DEAR BEFUDDLED » Your daughter’s behavior seems in the normal range for young adolescents. This stage of life is marked by often confusing changes. This developmental challenge is what can make middle school such a minefield.

My instinct is that your daughter, having spent much of her life with much older quasi-siblings, may be imitating some of the teen behavior that she might have witnessed in the household. The sibling tampering she is engaging in might be her way of expressing her anger that she doesn’t have a “real” sibling of her own.

You should offer her choices, and then calmly enforce whatever limits you impose. But must she always include her friend’s younger sibling in her play? She should have some autonomy to form her own friendships.

If you witness her being unkind, then you should ask her to reflect on her behavior, and impose a proportional consequence. And then you should gently love her through it, modeling kindness and respect in your own relationships.

Make sure your daughter has plenty of opportunities to feel a sense of belonging, perhaps through scouting, chorus, band or a drama club (many a drama queen has found a positive outlet on stage).

Expose her to stories featuring positive values.

My friend Megan Shull has written a wonderful novel perfect for a girl who is searching for her place in the family. “Bounce” (Katherine Tegen Books, 2016) is the story of a girl who goes on a healing journey as she lives the same day over and over again, each day “bouncing” into different families. Read it together.