Off the hook for son’s choices

DEAR AMY » My 25-year-old, selfsufficient son has met and decided to marry a 21-year-old young lady from the Philippines who is in this country on a work visa.

She must return to her country in October. He has only known this person for less than three months.

As with many modern young people, he met her via a website, and he has fallen for her hook, line and sinker.

I fear that he is rushing into this decision to expedite her ability to return to the States and become a U.S. citizen, and to save the relationship.

In my opinion, distance does not make the heart grow fonder. Distance creates relationship difficulty.

I worry that the young woman is just using him to get out of an impoverished life in her country.

I understand these motivations. They might actually be in love, but they are rushing into this.

Women are his Achilles’ heel. He feels incomplete without the affirmation/affection of a woman.

As his father, what should I do?

Should I be supportive? Or should I distance myself from the situation?

Neither choice feels right.

Do you have any advice other than, “we have to let our kids make their own decisions”? — Upset Father DEAR FATHER » What were you doing at the age of 25?

Twenty-five-year-olds serve in the military, fight wildfires, start companies, run for office, choose their own romantic partners and become parents.

And yes, 25-year-olds also sometimes make boneheaded choices.

“Parenting” someone this age can be an exercise in frustration, as you struggle to detach from someone you have watched (and worried over) since birth.

Now, in adulthood, your son’s life choices have accelerated past your ability to understand and control them. And yet, his choices actually have nothing to do with you. You don’t need to necessarily celebrate or enable his decisions. Nor do you need to weigh in with your adult knowledge or instinct of how foolhardy this particular choice might be.

The beauty here is that you are off the hook regarding your son.

And yes, you should be supportive — or at the very least, neutral — regarding your son’s partner.

Is she taking advantage of him? Is he taking advantage of her? Stay tuned! But for now, what a relief — because you don’t have to know.

DEAR AMY » I’m responding to the letter from “Upset,” the stepfather whose felon stepson had become religious, and wanted to move in with the parents.

As a former law enforcement worker/counselor, many drug-using felons “find” religion in prison.

Why, I can’t say — perhaps they see it as a form of salvation — but it rarely sticks.

Your advice was totally correct. The mother needs to get help to stop enabling. This is paramount. — JMC DEAR JMC » Thank you.