Friendship falters after wedding
DEAR AMY >> My friend “Rose” and I met as co-workers. We’ve always had fun together, and we used to have a lot in common.
I asked her to be a bridesmaid in my wedding. We had a great time, and she was very helpful. Our friendship continued as my husband and I moved two hours away.
Two years ago, she asked me to be her maid of honor. Where my wedding was a simple walk in the park, hers was the worst experience of my life. She turned into a Bridezilla and was completely ungrateful for everything everyone did for her. I ended up in debt because of all the money I spent on it.
Since then, we have not been the greatest friends. A year ago, she and her husband moved 30 minutes away from us. I felt awful that I no longer wanted to be close with her. We don’t talk much anymore.
My husband and I have recently found out that I am pregnant with our first child. It was a surprise to us. We are a more reserved couple so we didn’t make a super big deal about telling people, other than our families.
As Rose and
I are in such an awkward place right now I didn’t make an effort to tell her. We made the official announcement on social media. A few days ago, I received a long message from her saying how hurt she is that I didn’t tell her, and that I am not trying in our friendship, whereas she is going out of her way to stay friends and she doesn’t want to lose me.
No congrats, no well wishes, no happy messages. I’ve always let people walk all over me. Does she have a right to be mad at me for not telling her? Is this a sign our friendship has expired? Or am I just overreacting?
— Feeling Stuck
DEAR STUCK >> When she learned of your pregnancy, “Rose” extended a “bid” for connection. Granted, she seems to have made your pregnancy about your relationship with her, but she has told you honestly that she feels she is trying harder than you are and that she doesn’t want to lose your friendship.
Rose has discerned accurately that you are backing away from the relationship, and she is telling you that she doesn’t want this to happen. Her assertiveness probably contributed to her being a good bridesmaid at your low-key wedding, as well as a nightmare Bridezilla at her own.
You could encourage her to go away — and likely stay away
— if you were as honest with her as she is being with you. You could say to her, “The reason I didn’t go out of my way to let you know about my pregnancy is because your wedding seemed to mark a turning point in our friendship. I felt exhausted by it, and you never expressed your gratitude to me, so I’ve backed away.”