Should daughter keep family secret?

DEAR AMY >> A man just messaged me on Facebook, telling me he’s been trying to contact my mother. He says he is her half-brother, and that he is trying to get information about his father (my grandfather), who died over 10 years ago. He asked me to pass along the message.

I think he’s telling the truth. His photo shows a strong family resemblance.

Also, my grandmother (who is still living) recently confessed to me that she believed my grandfather was unfaithful to her. I don’t believe my mother and her brother (my uncle) are aware of their father’s infidelity. And I don’t think anyone, besides me, is aware of this half-brother’s existence.

I understand his desire to find out about his family, but I also think that what he’s asking of me is completely inappropriate. I may no longer be a child (I’m in my mid-20s), but he’s left me to deal with a moral quandary that will shake the foundations of my entire family, with possible legal ramifications (possible contested will or family trust).

I don’t know who else to talk to about this. Any other adult who knows my family would end up facing the same moral dilemma I’m facing. — A Daughter’s Dilemma DEAR DAUGHTER >> You seem to feel that this situation has put you in the position of being a secretholder for your family. But what gives you the right to hold onto this information, on behalf of previous generations?

And do you actually imagine that in this era of DNA testing, data sharing and social media penetration this man won’t eventually locate and contact your mother (or your uncle, or your grandmother) without your help?

I don’t mean to diminish the shock of this, but my informal study of this issue is that family members being contacted by unknown siblings often fear that this contact will lead to trouble of some kind, but in actuality it seems to lead either to a neutral result, or — in many cases — a good one.

Your grandmother has already told you about this suspected infidelity.

Share this message with your mother. Tell her, “Mom, this is hard for me to discuss with you, but ...” and pass along the man’s message. Understand that she’ll want time to absorb this and decide what to do.

Do not feel rushed to respond to the man. You will say either: “I’m sorry, but I’m not willing to be a go-between” or “I passed along your message, and my mother will contact you when she is ready.”

DEAR AMY >> The way to handle rude questions is to reply pointedly, “And your interest would be ...?”

If the person persists, say, “I’m sorry, I wasn’t served with the subpoena,” and walk away or turn your attention to another person. — Grace in Chicago DEAR GRACE >> Answering a rude question with a rude answer doesn’t exactly advance humanity, but if this works for you, then go for it.