She regrets abandoning friend

DEAR AMY » A few months into freshman year of college

(not too long ago), an acquaintance of mine accused a popular athlete on campus of date rape and notified the college and police.

I went to a fairly small school, so rumors spread quickly, and before long, most students heard some variation of the story.

I can’t remember the details of what allegedly happened, but I vividly remember how many of her friends turned on her and accused her of lying. “He’s not that kind of guy,” “She just regretted sleeping with him,” etc., were publicly stated by the people who should have been first to defend her. The girl in question later withdrew for a semester. The boy remained at school and remained popular.

As sexual assault and harassment have become less taboo to discuss and confront, my circle of friends and I have talked about how we all remember that event, and how we regret we never said anything in defense of this woman when our peers dragged her name through the mud.

It’s tempting to excuse our inaction then by telling ourselves we were young and didn’t know any better. But in reality, I know we should have known better and should have done more.

I know she deserved better than what she got. She deserved better than my inaction.

I’m wary of coming out of the blue to bring up a traumatic thing in her life just to make myself feel better. Would reaching out to this women years after the fact be helpful to her — or just hurtful? — Regretful DEAR REGRETFUL » I applaud the fact that you have made the connection between what is happening now in the larger culture and your own inaction previously.

I don’t know if reaching out now would trigger this woman’s trauma, but surely the current exposure to the suffering of people who have survived sexual violence and have been further injured by being denied is a trigger for many victims. It is also a trigger for lots of other people — people who have witnessed assault or who simply have the conscience to feel despair for victims and survivors.

So yes — you should reach out. Do so privately — not on social media. You can express compassion, concern and an expanded understanding of the impact of your virtual abandonment. Apologize on your own behalf. Express remorse, and tell her you hope that she can find it in her heart to forgive you.

DEAR AMY » “The Invisible Wife” described how her husband’s addiction to his electronic devices is leaving her completely out of his life.

You suggested that she should put together a cute video as a bid for his attention. I think she should dump him. — Boom DEAR BOOM » Well, dumping is certainly one way to go. However, “Invisible Wife” said that she loved her husband. She didn’t want to dump him. She just wanted to get his attention.