Mom feels no love for toddler

DEAR AMY >> I need help. I don’t love my firstborn son. I feel nothing with him. When I hold my second son, my newborn, my heart swells with love. It used to be like that with my first, too, but it’s not like that anymore, and I’m not sure why.

My older son is 2 1/2, and a real handful. That might be why he’s into everything constantly.

I feel like all I do is get after him. I hardly have time to sit for a second anymore.

I try to bond with him, I try to play with him, but every time I try he’s good for a minute and then starts biting me or slapping me or licking me, and I just feel angry again.

I feel so guilty. I want to love him like I love my other son but for now I just pretend to love them the same. I don’t want to hurt his little feelings. What should I do? — Sad Mom

DEAR SAD >> Your life right now is the very definition of overwhelming (parents everywhere are nodding their heads in solidarity). However, you might also be depressed. Postpartum depression affects an estimated 10 percent to 15 percent of new moms. The symptoms include having trouble sleeping or concentrating; anger and having trouble bonding. (You have bonded with your baby, but are now detached from your toddler.)

You should see your doctor as soon as possible. Describe in detail how you are feeling.

Also understand that your son’s behavior is linked with yours. He is also overwhelmed. He is trapped in his toddler body, but he’s regressing; he wants to be a baby again. Offer him a special blankie or stuffed toy to hug for those times when he’s feeling needy.

For expert wisdom, I shared your question with Gay Cioffi, a parent-coach (littlefolksbigquestions.com), and former director of the Little Folks School in Washington, D.C. In four decades of teaching young children, she has found ways to love hundreds of toddlers.

She says, “Toddlers will inevitably begin to challenge parents as they try to figure out where their needs begin and end. That’s their job, and they frequently do it in ways that are maddening. Add an infant, and a parent who is feeling overwhelmed and disconnected, and the situation is magnified further.

“All children, especially young ones, will mirror the emotion of their caregiver, and thus the cycle continues. Even when we do not feel calm and loving, it is our responsibility to try to send that message — or get the support we need to get there.

“In addition to professional support, enlisting the help of a family member or even a mother’s helper for just an hour a day might help. Self-care is critical in this scenario.”

Your son would benefit from attending a toddler group, early Head Start or a preschool class. He should spend some time in an environment where he will be stimulated, learning, and around other adults and children.