Survivor may confront abuser

DEAR AMY » Decades ago, starting when I was 16, I worked at a health care facility as an assistant.

The doctor, who I revered at the time, would do things to me like discreetly squeeze my inner legs during patient visits, and hold me in a long embrace after patients left. He eventually invited me to his lake house to babysit his children (while his wife was away), but then kissed me and attempted to have sex with me.

This kind of behavior continued for the several years I worked for him.

He recently reached out to me to wish me a happy 55th birthday.

Thanks to the #MeToo movement and conversations with my daughters, I have been processing how inappropriate his actions were and realizing I have lingering emotions (including anger) about the situation.

I am wondering if I should respond to this birthday email, and if so, what I should say. DEAR METOO! » Even though it might make things easier for you, I cannot tell you what you should do in this situation.

I will tell you, however, what I think I would do. Yes, I would respond to this email. And this is what I would try to say:

“Dear Doctor: I don’t think I would have contacted you independently to say this, but since you have contacted me, I have decided to respond. I want you to know that I remember like it was yesterday all the times you fondled me, forcibly kissed me and sexually harassed me — while I was a teenager in your employ, and quite helpless to do anything about it.

“I am a parent now. I hope my daughters are never victimized by a person they revere and trust, the way I was. I’ve tried to empower them to fight back, just as they have encouraged me to fight back now.

“Mainly I want you to know that even though you victimized me at a young age, your sexually aggressive and criminal behavior toward me does not define me, but for me it will always define you.

“So yes, I am having a happy birthday. Thanks for asking.”

DEAR AMY » “Want Them Back” was missing her parents, who were prioritizing the needs of their elder parents over their own grandchildren.

I disagree with you calling this person “selfish and self-centered.”

My spouse and I managed to see our grandkids while we were taking on elder care. It can be done. DEAR BEEN THERE » The writer’s mother was overwhelmed by taking care of her 95-year-old father; her daughter was adding extra demands.

You should feel compassion toward someone who doesn’t have your expansive capacity.