The ‘Three-Thanksgiving’ rule

DEAR AMY >> My brother was married to my sister-inlaw for 29 years. Out of the blue, he announced to my husband and me that he had left his wife and was now living with “Kelly,” a girlfriend he had met online.

I told him that I will still maintain a friendship with my sister-in-law. He said he was fine with that.

Soon after his announcement, he said he wanted to bring the new girlfriend to visit us. He said she was upset that no one in our family wanted to meet her.

We suggested that we should go on an outing together, and we all set a date.

Just beforehand, my brother said she couldn’t make it. The next thing we know, he’s texting that they’ve broken up and that she threw him out.

My husband and I went on the outing ourselves and had a good time.

Almost immediately, I got a picture from my brother stating that he and his girlfriend had taken this same outing a few days before we did.

I really don’t enjoy my brother’s drama, but he’s still my brother and I imagine this woman will be in his life.

I am not ready to invest in an iffy, on/ off relationship at this point.

What do I say to my brother without hurting him?

— Dazed and

Confused

DEAR DAZED AND CONFUSED >> Your middle-aged brother seems to be dating in middle school. The good news is that you don’t have to do anything about it. You don’t need to respond to your brother’s strange behavior; you don’t need to invest, or divest, in his on-or-off girlfriend. You don’t need to provide shelter, money or advice.

You should carry on, living your own life. The only thing you really need to do is to treat your brother’s choices and declarations with the appropriate amount of skepticism. Assume that he will be bouncing around until he gets his act together, and hope that he does.

In terms of “Kelly,” you should apply the Three-Thanksgiving rule. She may or may not be in his life, and if she is and you finally meet her, you need only be polite and respectful. No relationship investment is necessary until they settle down and show up for three Thanksgivings in a row. After polite conversation at three Thanksgivings, you should assume that she will be around for a while, and build your relationship from there.

Don’t let your brother gaslight or guilt you into believing that your own behavior is in question, because it’s not.

DEAR AMY >> The letter from “Sad Mom” brought tears to my eyes, remembering my own struggles when I was a new mother of two babies.

Thank you for suggesting she might have post-partum depression. I didn’t have it with my first, but had severe post-partum with my second. Honestly, the minute I got a diagnosis, I started to feel better.

— Fine Now

DEAR FINE >> It is truly terrible to struggle, blaming yourself for a character flaw when you are actually sick. A diagnosis is the important first step to healing.