Rekindle sex-starved marriage OVERBOARD

DEAR AMY >> After

10 years of therapy and antidepressants for PTSD from childhood sexual abuse, my wife of 20 years has decided that she can no longer tolerate sex or sexual activity, including kissing. All she wants is to hug and hold hands.

She believes this state is permanent and necessary for her healing.

Amy, we are only in our 50s. I am far too young to no longer have any sexual activity.

I have compassion for her pain, but this feels unbearable to me.

I have supported her through all her therapy, but I also want her to support my needs and desires, also.

We have twin teenagers who are wonderful. We have lots of friends and a happy house.

I want to also have a wife, not just an affectionate roommate.

My own therapist thinks that my wife should try harder on my behalf.

What should I do? DEAR DESPERATE >> Your therapist is most likely going to support your goals; your wife’s therapist will naturally encourage and support her goals.

Because you are both so open to receiving therapy, you should consider committing to joint counseling; that way, at least you will both be coached through a conversation about this very important topic.

Of course your needs are every bit as important as your wife’s, but in a partnership the person with the lower libido will control the connection.

You seem to have had a sexual connection at some point in your marriage, and it is natural to want to maintain — or restore — this connection. Some unknown event may have triggered your wife’s current reaction to you; menopause or medication for her depression may be a contributing factor to her low libido and sex aversion. Her sexual history is traumatic; this is the X-factor in your dynamic.

I hope she is willing to try to recover your intimate connection as a couple. The effort of keeping you at armslength, and feeling responsible for your unhappiness, will contribute to the aversion cycle.

You two make mutual decisions about your house, your friendships and your children. Your sex life should be mutual, too. When your wife refuses to kiss you, you feel unwanted and unloved. If you describe your desire for intimacy in heartfelt and emotionally relatable terms, she might understand and empathize with your needs.

Esther Perel is a therapist specializing in working with couples. Her TED talks and podcast offer fascinating insight into relationship dynamics. Her book: “Mating in Captivity: Unlocking Erotic Intelligence” (Harper Paperbacks, 2017) will offer ideas for how you and your wife could try to relate differently. Vic Lee Charles Schulz Dean Young and John Marshall