Wife learns she isn’t his beneficiary
DEAR AMY >> I am nearing 70 years old.
My friends and family consider me a very smart woman whom they frequently seek out for advice. Now I need some advice.
I married in my teens, was divorced in my 30s and remained single for over 20 years.
I dedicated those years to my children, and they are fine, family-oriented, responsible adults.
In my late 50s I met a man whose company and conversation I enjoyed. He’s tall, dark, handsome, financially responsible and passionate.
Five years later, in our 60s, we got married. We’ve enjoyed our life together.
Unfortunately, recently I found out that my husband’s first wife is the beneficiary on his pension. He says that because of government intervention in their pension plan, this can’t be changed.
Amy, I am hurt and distraught.
I don’t want to live my golden years worrying that I won’t be able to take care of myself financially if my husband dies first.
He has no life insurance, and he gets my pension if I die first.
What bothers me the most is that he acts like he doesn’t care.
I want to leave him, but I don’t want to make such a big change at this age.
I don’t look at my husband the same way anymore. I can’t think clearly about this. Any suggestions?
— Upset
DEAR UPSET >> Your husband might have agreed to this beneficiary arrangement as part of his divorce settlement with his former wife. You should confirm whatever legal obligation he has made to her.
Because of your ages, you two should see a lawyer and/or accountant with expertise in estate planning. You should have full knowledge of all of your mutual assets.
I am not a lawyer, but I simply do not believe that your husband cannot change beneficiaries. With my own retirement account and company pension, it is very easy to do. And as your husband’s legal spouse, you might automatically be considered his beneficiary. You need to find out.
DEAR AMY >> I want to weigh in on whether friends and family should disclose knowledge of an affair to the affected spouse.
I went through this. After years of being cheated on, I discovered my husband’s infidelity and we divorced. I felt quite betrayed that others knew and didn’t tell me.
— Recovered
DEAR RECOVERED >> I agree with disclosure, handled gently.