The Mercury News

Wife struggles with self-esteem

- Amy Dickinson Contact Amy Dickinson via email at askamy@amydickins­on.com.

DEAR AMY >> I’ve been married for 26 years. My husband and I are in counseling for marital problems. I struggle with self-esteem and shame.

My husband and

I clicked immediatel­y when we met. I thought I had found a man who loved me and didn’t judge me. We married a year later.

Three months after our wedding, everything changed. One night I tried to initiate sex (this was something he said he wanted me to do). He said that he didn’t want to have sex with me because I had gained weight and he was no longer attracted to me. I was hurt and humiliated.

First of all, I had only gained 5 pounds and was at a completely normal weight. But I went on a diet and lost it all. I tried to be the perfect wife so he would accept me.

When I was pregnant he wouldn’t come near me. He is a good man. He is home at night, helps around the house and has been a good provider, but these rejections continue to affect me deeply.

I have managed to put this issue aside, and we have had some wonderful years. But it has caused me to feel insecure, especially because after childbirth and aging my body has changed. I don’t want him to see me naked. He doesn’t show any empathy, even at our counseling sessions.

He told the counselor that he married me because I was beautiful. I suppose that’s a compliment, but I feel ripped off. I married this man for love and emotional security.

How do I deal with this? — Holding On

DEAR HOLDING ON >> As a newly married man, your husband was showing you who he was. He may love you deeply, but his relatively narrow sexual preference­s are quite obvious.

Your shame over his rejections means that you have spent the last quarter century justifying someone else’s superficia­l and unkind assessment of you.

This armchair psychologi­st wants to look you in the eye and remind you that no one else has the right to define you!

At this point, your goal should be to find ways to reframe your reactive emotions and find a way to fairly assess this relationsh­ip. Do you want to stay with him?

I hope a day will come when you can stop pinning your personal self-esteem to your husband’s narrow metric, and quite honestly love yourself for everything that you are, and exactly as you are. When you do, you will come into your own power, and the balance in your marriage will shift. Individual counseling would be very useful for you.

DEAR AMY >> “Finding My Way” described life after discoverin­g her guy was talking to other women, receiving nude photos and was registered on a dating site. I know it sounds crazy, but I actually put up with this when we were dating and then went on to marry the guy! I hope she doesn’t make the same mistake.

— Learned the Hard Way

DEAR LEARNED >> Reading the signs, accepting the truth and making rational choices will help “Finding” to avoid your fate.

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