Dealing with offensive remarks

DEAR AMY >> My friend said something homophobic. I told her that my son is gay and she said, “Oh, I hope I did not offend you?”

My co-worker said something anti-Semitic. After he saw the expression on my face he said, “Oh, I hope I did not offend you?” (My grandparents are Jewish.)

My real question is — how do I get past what they both said? DEAR NOT SURE >> Your question implies that people with a close connection to an offended group should perhaps feel more offended by slurs than other people, because the offense becomes personal and therefore cuts deeper.

This might in fact be true, but you should not have to disclose a close personal relationship to the subject of a slur (“My son is gay”) in order to be disgusted, and to express your disgust. If you truly believe that we are all sisters and brothers (as Dr. King taught), then your kinship to any offended group would be implicit.

Readers often ask me how to respond to others who hurt or offend them. Recently I responded to an offensive commenter with this:

did you say that?”

You seem to feel a burden to “get past” these offensive comments. But the people who made them showed you who they are: They express their bigotry when they think they are safe and sound in their bigot bubble.

And here is how you should feel: Disappointed, enlightened and free of the burden of explaining yourself.

DEAR AMY >> We have a kiddo (just turned 9 years old), who is not a fan of physical contact with people other than his dad and me.

My family, a gregarious set of huggers, absolutely does not understand this.

My sister and my stepmom are the biggest problem, as they both think that wrestling him into some sort of a half-head hug is completely acceptable, even though he has done an admittedly admirable job of telling them that he would prefer a high five or a fist bump.

How do we, as his parents, make them understand that this preference is not about them, or their love-ability, but about him as a separate human being who just doesn’t appreciate this kind of physical contact?

I’m a hugger too, but I am at a loss to make them understand that they need to respect his wishes, even though he is still a youngster. Any thoughts or advice is much appreciated. DEAR MISUNDERSTOOD >> Perhaps your family will understand your point if you put it this way: “When you ignore ‘Buddy’s’ wishes not to be hugged, what you are really telling him is that it doesn’t matter if someone else says ‘no.’ If you feel like touching them or wrestling them into a hug, you should just go ahead and do it. This is not an appropriate message to give to a boy who is interested in creating and respecting boundaries. So ... please stop it. He loves you. He just doesn’t want to be handled.”