Guest list is getting out of hand

DEAR MISS MANNERS

» Because some of our friends are moving to another state, we thought a small/medium-sized going-away gathering would be nice. We offered, and they accepted. We then offered for our friends to invite a few more people from their careers whom we don’t know. We got a list of 18 additional people they would like to invite! We were expecting to host about 12 to 14 people, total. Their request adds significant effort and cost, as well as not fitting in the venue (our house).

How do we let them know this wasn’t our intention and ask them to scale back? Help!

GENTLE READER » There is no polite way to walk back your offer without taking partial blame for its misinterpretation. “Oh dear, I am afraid that I didn’t think it through, and that our party might be uncomfortable and overcrowded with so many people. Would it be possible to trim the list a bit?”

If this is met with resistance, Miss Manners suggests that you pray for good weather.

DEAR MISS MANNERS » I am a minister who performs many marriage ceremonies. Usually, the couples will invite me to a rehearsal dinner, either verbally or via other informal means, such as text or email. The problem is that they almost never mention if my wife is also invited. When I show up to the rehearsal alone, I’m almost always asked by the bride, “Where’s Charlene? I was hoping she’d join us afterward for dinner.”

My wife says she is not offended, and has no druthers on whether she attends or not, but she will not attend unless she is invited.

GENTLE READER » Your wife is right to be hesitant. It would be odd for your wife to accompany you to work under the assumption that she might be asked to the party afterward — especially if she is not.

If these dinner invitations are impromptu, there is little you can do. If, however, they are issued in advance, but omit the explicit inclusion of your wife, you may add as you accept: “Charlene sends her best wishes to you both.”