A bully must be dealt with

DEAR AMY >> One of my dearest friends, “Susan,” is married to a man many of the people in our group don’t enjoy.

I tolerate him, because I love her.

“Bernie” talks at us instead of to us, monologues, and interrupts a lot.

My friend has told me privately that he’s verbally abusive to her, but she loves him, so she lets it slide. I’ve managed my relationship with him by being playful and joking with him, which he has seemed to enjoy.

Bernie recently “went off” on me. He became enraged and verbally abusive when I asked him mildly to please allow me to finish my story before interrupting. I felt completely blindsided by his ugliness, ranting and yelling.

I was shaking when I told Susan about this. She responded, “Oh that’s just him, it doesn’t mean anything.”

Later she told me not to expect an apology, because he never apologizes.

Later, I told her that I was worried it was going to be weird to be around him, and she said, “Oh don’t worry, he’s completely over it.”

Unfortunately, Amy, I am NOT over it. I don’t ever want to be around him again because I feel angry, disrespected, threatened, and afraid that unless I treat him with kid gloves, he might go bonkers again.

I don’t want to say this to her because she has normalized his behavior. That’s her choice, but it’s certainly not mine. However, I will at some point have to say something.

Any suggestions?

— Furious Friend

DEAR FURIOUS >> One suggestion is for you to find a way to stand up to this bully the next time he goes bonkers. You should do so in a way where you are true to your own values and behavior — working hard to not let him rattle you, and responding: “Hey, I’m not OK with you yelling at me. Please stop it.” Practice this — or a similar response — on your own. Do not focus on being clever or joking your way around it.

Yes, you could avoid him, but then he would be controlling your movements and social choices. Obviously, you won’t be inviting this guy to your home, but I hope you will not let his presence elsewhere keep you away.

His wife is his enabler and cleanup crew. She is with him, and in order to stay with him she must discount and normalize his behavior and the effect it has on her, and others.

You could say to her, “Look, I’m not judging you. But I don’t like being yelled at, and I don’t intend to tolerate it.”

DEAR AMY >> “Sleeping Alone” wondered why her partner was going to bed later than she.

Amy, he might be an introvert. Introverts need “alone time” to recharge. This might be important to him.

— Also an Introvert

DEAR ALSO >> This pattern of her partner not going to bed with her most nights was quite new and indicated a big change in their relationship. They will have to figure out what’s behind this change.