Leave sister out of wedding?

DEAR AMY >> I have recently gotten engaged.

Growing up, my narcissistic mother physically and emotionally abused me. I was held to a much higher standard than my younger sister.

This led me to take out my frustrations on my sister — verbally, and also through manipulation.

I didn’t speak much to my family as a teenager, left the house for college, and never went back.

I have not spoken to my sister in years. At family functions she literally pretends as though I am physically not there (e.g., she won’t set a place for me at the table).

As an adult I sought therapy, and have forgiven my mother (despite her lack of insight or admission of wrongdoing). I have also sincerely apologized to my sister. She refuses to accept my apology.

I do not wish for her to be part of my wedding, as she has not been part of my life for years, nor does she know me or my fiance.

I know that my mother will not be pleased about excluding my sister, and will likely give me an ultimatum, as she often does.

A wedding is a time for love, and if she attends, I know I will feel that it is strictly due to an obligation and expectation.

It is going to be a small, intimate wedding. Should I invite my sister to please my mother? Will I regret not inviting her in the future? — Sister Trouble DEAR TROUBLE >> I don’t know what you will regret in the future. Your dysfunctional family and your own (admitted) abusive behavior toward your sister has presented you with plenty of opportunities for regret.

Yes, weddings are about love. They are about the couple. Weddings are also about building a family. These celebrations offer opportunities for inclusion and can mark a fresh start to a relationship.

However, you should not invite your sister to your wedding if you don’t want to have — or try to build — a relationship with her. Given what you say about her refusal to acknowledge you, it seems doubtful that she would attend your wedding, even if she were invited.

The red flag I detect here involves your mother. Narcissists are manipulators and punishers. You don’t mention what ultimatum your mother might lay down regarding your wedding, but, whatever it is, I strongly suggest that you and your fiance should not cave to her demands. Doing so is a guaranteed regret.

DEAR AMY >> Like “Sleeping Alone,” my wife and I struggled with having different nighttime schedules and going to bed at different times. It really affected our intimacy.

We solved this by always going to bed together. Then, after she is asleep, I am sometimes awake for a couple of more hours. I work, read or watch a movie. — Fellow Night Owl DEAR NIGHT OWL >> I do the same. Email Amy Dickinson at askamy@amydickinson. com or send a letter to Ask Amy, P.O. Box 194, Freeville, NY 13068.