She may have to come out twice

DEAR AMY >> I am a woman questioning my sexuality. I have been married to a man for over 20 years and we have children together.

(I have not told my husband about my struggles, as he is homophobic.)

This has been a difficult and confusing time for me, and I have been in therapy throughout. My therapist says it’s common for women to discover this in their 40s — to realize they are attracted to another woman, even though they may have been married to a man for many years.

I am in love with a friend — a woman. I was attracted to her before we became friends.

We are very close but have only known each other for about a year. We are both going through divorces. (She recently found out that her husband is trans, and gay.)

We see each other nearly every day. We go out to dinner, movies, plays, museums, etc., as friends. I have never felt closer to another woman. We get along well and have so much fun together.

Sometimes I think she feels the same way about me.

I recently came out to her, but through choking words and sobbing. I’m not sure she understood what I was saying. I did not exactly say, “I am gay.” She never brought it up after that, but for me, a weight has been lifted off my shoulders.

I feel like a hypocrite giving her advice about her husband. I want her to be able to lean on me through good and bad times.

Should I tell her my true feelings? — Confused

DEAR CONFUSED >> Coming out is a process, and you’re in the midst of it. You will continue to express your truth to various people in various ways over this transitional period.

Yes, I think you should continue to talk about this with your friend, even if it is awkward for you to bring it up. One way to do so would be for you to discuss with her some of the conversations you’re having in therapy. She may not have grasped that you are gay — and you can laugh about that missed communication later.

Yes, you should come out again to her. I do not think you should tell her that you are in love with her, however. You are both going through divorces.

Regardless of whether she is also into you, you should walk around in your own identity for a while and gain some confidence and emotional stability before making any declarations.

DEAR AMY >> Regarding responding to comments about height: I used to use the line, “I’m not short, I’m fun-sized.”

Recently, I updated my response to: “I’m ecofriendly.”

This always gets a smile! — DD

DEAR DD >> You’re helping to save the planet, one smile at a time.