Adding a plus-one to the party

DEAR MISS MANNERS >> Is it ever acceptable to ask your host if you may bring additional guests? Though this has happened in a variety of circumstances, the most common occurrence seems to be at children’s birthday parties: Parents I hardly know will ask me outright if they can bring their other children, when only the name of the child in my son’s class was on the invitation.

My husband and I are in disagreement on this topic. He thinks it isn’t a big deal; I feel that the invitee should reply with regrets, be honest about the reason (“I’m afraid I can’t find a sitter for Josh’s little brother”), and wait for the host to offer. If no offer is forthcoming and it truly is a hardship, simply do not attend. What are your thoughts on this phenomenon?

GENTLE READER >> That you are correct. Once that one little brother barges his way in, who knows how many more will follow — and suddenly there is not enough supervision, and the clown is charging twice as much.

DEAR MISS MANNERS >> I have a very close friend whose father has abused him, both physically and emotionally, for his entire life. Their relationship was strained at best, distant at worse, but the friend never cut off contact completely with his father.

I’ve been privy to a fairly detailed description of the abuse and, suffice to say, I am not remotely sorry my friend’s father has passed away, though I am sorry about the complicated feelings my friend must be having. Mostly, I wish he had been born to a man worthy of being his father.

I want to express my condolences to my friend, but the standard tropes seem insufficient, given the situation. How do you acknowledge loss when it’s the loss of a monster? I had planned on sending my friend a gift of some sort in lieu of sending flowers to the funeral, as I truly believe that his father’s departure from this world makes it a better place.

GENTLE READER >> Etiquette does not demand that you lie about the merits of the deceased, but nor does it suggest that you celebrate it with presents. That seems a bit indecorous.

Instead, Miss Manners suggests that you express the sentiments to your friend that are simple and true: That you are sorry for his loss and hope to be available to him for any support he requires.