Mom tries to empty the spare nest
DEAR AMY>> My husband and I are retired. We own two homes — one in the north, one in the south. Our 40-yearold son still lives with us up north.
We spend about six months of the year in each place. We are covering all expenses for our son (except for his food, car, and telephone). We pay heat, electric, water, cable, insurance, landscaping, etc.
He does not contribute financially in any way. He has worked full-time since graduating college and is doing fine financially.
It is comforting to have someone in the house while we are gone. He does take care of things if a need arises. When we return, however, I have to deep-clean the place and my husband becomes a 24-hour gardener to restore the home to how it was when we left.
I strongly feel that my son should be contributing financially and doing some chores, but my husband keeps saying, “Oh, leave him alone.”
I think he should be paying rent. And we definitely want to relax and not be interrupted by his comings and goings (and those of his acquaintances).
We love our son dearly and do not want to hurt or alienate him.
Can you help resolve this dilemma?
— Frustrated Mom
DEAR FRUSTRATED >> Your son should be paying rent during the six months when you are all in the house together. His rent should be reduced or eliminated during the time he is basically house-sitting for you during the winter.
Many people hire seasonal house sitters during the off-season, because of the substantial risks to leaving a house empty. Some house sitters do it in exchange for a place to live, but many charge a per/day fee.
In terms of you returning home to face many large tasks, he is 40 years old! He should help with cleaning and do all of the yard work (unless your husband enjoys it), and yes — you should return to a house (basically) as clean as you left it. It is completely reasonable to expect this. I’m guessing you have never made this expectation clear to him, however.
I’ve offered practical ideas. However, it sounds as if you just don’t want to live with your son. That is completely understandable and absolutely within reason. You could suggest he move out altogether, or look into a six-month furnished rental during the summer (when you’re in the house) and then move into your home (rent free) in the winter.
DEAR AMY>> You ran a letter from “Wondering,” who asked why liquor stores stayed open during the coronavirus pandemic.
As an addictionologist, I will tell you that individuals who quit drinking “cold-turkey” risk the potential of severe, even life-threatening withdrawal.
While I doubt that this was in the thoughts of the politicians who made these decisions, keeping the liquor stores open saved lives.
— Charles Schauberger, MD, FASAM
DEAR CHARLES>> Many other readers pointed out the risk of alcohol withdrawal, and I appreciate the perspective and correction.