Grieving dad looks to move on
DEAR AMY >> Four years ago, I had a serious work-related accident. I was getting ready for my fourth surgery.
It was a risky procedure, and there was a good chance
I might never walk again. I was terrified.
Right before my surgery my wife left, which, in itself was hard, but she abandoned all four of her children too. Three of them were my stepchildren (they were biologically hers).
The two years since she left have been extremely difficult because three of our four children stayed with me and the fourth moved in with their biological father. My surgery went very well. It took a long time, but I can walk again.
My biggest worry has always been the kids, though. My ex-wife ignores all of them. She has never helped to support them.
They are so angry at her and I don’t want them to carry that anger and resentment, because that’s how I have been my whole life. I want them to be happy.
I give them all the love I have, but their mother’s abandonment has been devastating to all of them. I don’t care about the pain she caused me personally, but my children want their mother.
It rips me apart that she only calls them every four or five weeks, and only sees them once or twice a year.
I’m just an old broken man that could really use some advice. — Broken Heart
DEAR BROKEN >> For you to help your children through this estrangement, it is vital that you find ways to become less broken. Your physical recovery is a triumph. Now you need to continue to expand and demonstrate your emotional resilience.
From your narrative, it seems that your ex’s reprehensible behavior has become a defining experience for you. But it’s not. What you are doing now — steadfastly parenting through this storm — this is what defines you!
You have to show your kids that life does go on, and that you, and they, have some control over what happens next. I hope you will build a legacy of positive and hopeful experiences that become the defining next chapters. Build your friendships with other adults. Other successful single parents (fathers and mothers) will help to show you the way.
You might also explore the possibility of legally adopting your stepchildren, so that they will always know that you belong together. Changing your legal status from stepdad to “Dad” might help all of you to move on together as a family.
DEAR AMY >> “Sheltering in Wisconsin” expressed a coronavirus-related concern, and in your answer, you advised her to “wipe” shared handles with disinfectant.
Amy, these disinfectant wipes may not be as useful as you think in containing the virus. — Concerned
DEAR CONCERNED >> If I were concerned about transmission from a doorknob, I would open the door using the wipe itself, in order to avoid direct contact.