Young marriage, old problems

DEAR AMY >> I have been married for a year and a half. We got married super quick, without knowing each other well.

I am mostly happy. My husband treats me well and we have a baby on the way.

My complaint is that when we got married, he had a good-paying factory job that he had been at for three years.

Immediately after our marriage he got fired (for not showing up).

Since then, he has had 5 different jobs! He has quit or has gotten fired from all of them. He also does not seem to care if a job pays well.

I have had the same job for four years at a factory and make good money, but the job can be demanding.

I try not to nag him and instead encourage him, but it doesn’t seem to help. I am getting fed up. I don’t want to end my marriage over this, but I also don’t want to be the only responsible person worried about our finances.

Do you have any advice for me?

— Worried Wife

DEAR WORRIED >> The first thing you should do is to face the reality that you are very likely going to be the main — if not only — financial mainstay for your family.

Unfortunately, realistically — the person who enters into marriage and parenthood by immediately retreating and acting like an entitled child is establishing that he has no intention of being a partner. Your behavior (whether “nagging” OR encouraging) has little impact on him.

If he proved capable of caring for a home and child, he might be a good candidate for being the primary at-home parent (while you remained the main breadwinner).

The qualities for being a good dad are remarkably similar to the qualities for being a good employee: Demonstrating the dedication to show up every single day; performing tasks that are boring, repetitive, and thankless; and having a boss (your baby) who might occasionally scream at you. And guess what? You can’t quit!

So far, your husband does not demonstrate any of these qualities.

He may have a substance abuse or mental health issue that has caused this behavior, but again — those are issues only he can work to fix.

The good news is that YOU sound like a solid, responsible person — and you will be a great role model for your child.

DEAR AMY >> Thank you for offering actual practical advice to “Grieving Daughter,” regarding her smoking addiction. When I read her question, I assumed you would just say, “Quit!”

Ingesting some nicotine while I quit was the only way I could do it. Thank you for suggesting that.

— Former Smoker DEAR FORMER >> Many people did NOT like that I recommended gums, patches, and vaping as things to try while quitting cigarettes. I don’t think any of them were former smokers (I am).