New parents must set boundaries
DEAR AMY >> Late last year my husband and I had our first child, a son. We let people know that only immediate family members (the new grandparents and our siblings) would be allowed to visit us in the hospital the first day the baby was born. For the remainder of that week, we wanted privacy.
My husband’s family reacted with hostility, especially from my brother-inlaw and his girlfriend. They decided to call us three days prior to me going in for my C-section and berate us for limiting the visits while we were in the hospital.
Additionally, they were quite offended that we were only “giving them” a few hours with the baby. The conversation became so inappropriate we had to tell them to either stop, or not bother coming to the hospital at all.
Instead, they decided to tell us that we were wrong for setting boundaries, and that they were “walking out of our lives.”
For the past nine months, that is exactly what they have done. We have attempted several times to invite them to meet their nephew, but they refused — claiming we were negative, toxic and miserable people, and that we owe them major apologies.
Meanwhile, I went through a traumatic labor and delivery that caused me to suffer from postpartum depression and PTSD.
It has been very difficult trying to understand this irrational behavior and deal with my mental health struggles. No one in my husband’s family will stick up for us.
If everyone just prefers to “keep the peace” instead of speaking out about this immature behavior, how can our little family possibly have a relationship with my in-laws?
— Very Hurt and Shocked
DEAR HURT >> My advice for you is to stop. Stop playing this game. Stop trying to engage with two people who obviously want to punish you. Stop expecting other family members to defend you (your husband’s parents will not correct their adult child, even if he is at fault).
If your brother-in-law and his partner don’t want to be a part of your child’s life, then you have to respect their choice. You might even be grateful for it, because these people sound very demanding and unsupportive. Do not gossip about them or invite others to engage on your behalf.
The best way to continue to support your own recovery (it can take over a year) is to build up your confidence as parents, maintain a peaceful and positive home life, and keep the outside drama to an absolute minimum.
DEAR AMY >> “Taken Advantage Of” described housing and feeding an international student who was trapped in this country during the pandemic. I could not believe how you judged and blamed these generous people for doing such a nice thing!
— Upset
DEAR UPSET >> I praised their generosity, but blamed them for their refusal to communicate their own expectations and needs. Their silence was not fair to their guest.