Who’s the ‘sugar mama’ here?

DEAR AMY >> My 21-year-old daughter (a senior in college) met her boyfriend two weeks into her freshman year (he is 23).

He asked to come live with us after his graduation.

There are far more job opportunities where we live than in his rural hometown or their college town. We agreed and have treated him like our fifth child. We support him in every way. He works a minimum wage part-time job at a retail store and is taking online graduate courses. He is not looking for real career employment. She is back at school.

I just learned that my daughter and he agreed that she will be the breadwinner. He’s waiting to hear what medical school she gets into so he can go with her.

Her student loans will cover their living expenses.

He uses phrases like “Free food is the best food,” and includes his toiletries on my shopping list.

I’ve begged my daughter to see that he’s just using all of us for his free ride. I’m sick to my stomach watching her be used like this.

We’ve begged her to see what’s going on.

If I kick him out or charge him rent, he’ll just go live with her in the dorm room (that we pay for). I just want to save her from a lifetime of providing for a deadbeat, as his sugar mama.

— Need Help in Chicago

DEAR NEED HELP >> You seem to blame your daughter for your own behavior.

YOU are helping this man to be a deadbeat. YOU are his sugar mama (she is at school!). If this man is working, you should not be purchasing his toiletries.

You lack the fortitude to do anything about this (except complain), and yet you expect your daughter to behave differently.

You are teaching your daughter that it’s OK to enable behavior that goes against your own values.

You’ve been extremely generous. The sooner he transitions from your home to hers, the sooner your daughter will face the actual consequences of his entitlement, instead of just hearing you complain about it.

If she chooses to be the breadwinner, then it is her life. Wish them luck and let this go.

DEAR AMY >> You should not have encouraged “Hate to Ask” to ask for a portion of her mother’s inheritance gift to a friend.

The mother DID know that a mutual fund could grow, and the inheritance to her daughter wouldn’t, and this was her choice.

I believe that the friend got what they deserved, and so did she.

— Disappointed

DEAR DISAPPOINTED >> I do believe that people sometimes designate others as beneficiaries to accounts, and then basically forget about it — but your response is valid.