Friend’s friends weigh in on fight
DEAR HARRIETTE >>
I got into a pretty explosive fight with my friend last weekend. We made up almost immediately, but today she told me that she told her other friends about our argument. She told me that these other friends advised her to end our friendship. I’m offended that she took our issues to other people. Her friends are not necessarily my friends and I feel that they took this opportunity to badmouth me. How should I handle this?
— Not My Friends
DEAR NOT MY FRIENDS >>
When bad things happen, people often go to others to discuss. You can’t fault your friend for confiding in these people.
Clearly, she needed to talk about it.
Step back a moment and think about the situation. What actually happened? What did you say to each other and what was your role in the fight? Do you feel like you crossed a line? Whatever your part was in the argument, apologize for it. Tell your friend exactly how you feel about what you said or did and how sincere you are about regretting it. Then add that you know that if the two of you decide you can move beyond the explosion and forgive each other, your friendship will be OK. Tell her you understand that she needs to talk about it, but you hope that she will not allow her other friends’ opinions to sever your ties.
DEAR HARRIETTE >>
My older sister has been unemployed for a while. We used to go out and have dinner together, shop, see movies, etc. before she lost her job. Nowadays, if I want to go and do things with her, I’ll have to pay for her and that gets old. I can’t even invite her to come out with my friends unless I pay for her. Is it fair that I stop inviting her out because she can’t pay? I feel bad, but I’m not sure what else to do.
— Tired of Spotting Her
DEAR TIRED OF SPOTTING
HER >> Losing one’s job can be devastating on many fronts, including your social life. It is wonderful that you have been able to spot your sister as much as you have over this period and understandable that you cannot do this indefinitely.
For now, what you may want to do is invite her less frequently to go on your various outings, but don’t exclude her entirely. Invite her to do things that have little or no cost, like coming over to your house to visit. If you cook at home, the cost is much lower than dining out, for example. Or have her over to watch a movie or just hang.
You can even talk to her about it. Be upfront. Remind her of how much you do enjoy spending time with her, but, for now, you need to do it differently.
Tell her you love her and know how tough this time has been for her. You want to help her in any way you can, but you cannot pay for everything. You can also encourage her to continue her job search and help with that as much as possible.
Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@ harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.