‘Re-frame’ irritants at school

DEAR AMY » I’m in fourth grade. My classmates are very nosy. They always show off. They ask questions about my personal life and brag about how fast they read, among many other things.

I don’t know how to respond to personal questions, and hearing everyone bragging makes me so mad.

It’s hard to learn with my rude classmates. I know this will keep happening in life, so I want to find ways to shut down their constant questions.

My parents say that adults can act this way, too, so learning to respond to rude people is a life skill that I need.

— Frustrated

DEAR FRUSTRATED » Your parents are right. People all through life will behave in ways that might confuse or upset you. Sometimes they’re being rude on purpose, but a lot of the time, they’re just being annoyingly human.

It’s important to understand that your classmates all have different personalities, strengths and weaknesses — just like you do.

Kids tend to talk about their families a lot, because these are the people they know best, and talking about their families and asking questions about yours are one way of getting to know you better.

I try to do something called “re-framing” when another person’s behavior confuses me. It’s a way to see things from a different angle.

For instance, that classmate who is bugging you with personal questions might be “nosy” or “rude,” or he might be “curious” and “interested” in learning more about you.

A classmate boasting about speed reading might be bragging and competitive, or she might be proud because she’s made a lot of progress — and wants to tell you about it.

Everybody’s brain works a little differently and because you sound like a smart and thoughtful fourth grader, you could work with a counselor and your folks to figure out what your brain is telling you when other kids behave this way.

One way to respond when someone asks a question you don’t want to answer is to change the subject by asking them a question: “Hey, how do you think you did on the math quiz?”

And here’s my secret tip for when somebody asks me a nosy personal question that I don’t want to answer: I give them a compliment!

For example: “Hey, Amy, is it true that you didn’t get good grades in school?”

I respond: “Wow, I love your scarf. It looks so warm. Did you make it yourself?”

You can practice these and other responses with your parents.

Your teacher also might want to move your seat to sit near classmates who won’t be quite so noisy and distracting when you’re trying to concentrate.

I hope you can find kids to hang out with who aren’t quite so overwhelming, and who will give you all the time you need to get to know them, and for them to get to know you.